Say You Will Part 1: Destiny Rules

And I Who Went To Sleep In Tears

Brentwood & Santa Monica, California
Sunday, May 26, 2002
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"I'm not sure what you're accusing me of, Lindsey, but I've got to tell you, I don't like it anyway."

Lindsey guzzled the remainder of his large black coffee from the McDonalds drive-through a few miles ago so that he could stay awake and alert enough to drive his family home in the pouring rain. The time on the dashboard of Kristen's mini van, which they had taken instead of his car to Santa Barbara for the extra room for their bags, glowed blue in his eyes as he glanced downward - 12:37. Jeff and his wife had suggested that they stay over another night because of the thunderstorm that they'd seen coming when Lindsey had switched the TV to the cable traffic and weather channel to prepare for the drive home that night, but Lindsey was anxious to get back home. He wanted to make some notes about what to accomplish when he got back to the studio on Tuesday, he'd gotten a terrible night's sleep on Saturday night in the guest room beside Kristen and both of his kids in the full-sized bed, LeeLee routinely kicking his shins through the night between them, and Kristen asking him more than once if the kids in bed between them had been engineered on purpose because he didn't want to have sex with her. Will and LeeLee sleeping between them had been purely for the reason that he knew that one or both kids would invariably have woken up in the middle of the night in the strange house and asked to sleep with them anyway, so he was heading them off at the pass, he'd explained, putting them there at midnight instead of having to be woken up at four in the morning just to do it anyway. Not having sex with Kristen that night was just the bonus, he thought; he was definitely not in the mood to sleep with her at the moment because he wasn't exactly happy with her.

Will and LeeLee were both sound asleep in their car seats in the backseat as the rain pounded the windshield of the car as fast as the wipers could clear the glass. At a very low volume so as not to disturb the sleeping kids, the radio in the car was tuned to a light-fm station that was playing Michael McDonald's "I Keep Forgettin'". He tried hard not to pay attention to the lyrics as Michael McDonald's high falsetto voice came through the speakers, "I keep forgettin' we're not in love anymore...I keep forgettin' things will never be the same anymore..."

Things between them had been tense the entire weekend, and Kristen knew it was because of Stevie. One little comment about having children and Her Majesty had gotten all touchy! My God, how the hell did Lindsey STAND that over-sensitivity for all those years, not to mention that ridiculous little elf voice of hers?! It was Her Majesty's birthday today, Kristen suddenly recalled...probably spent with her annoying little group of middle-aged women friends - the skinny one with the dark hair who never spoke, the chunky one who used to be married to her brother and waited on her like she was Queen Elizabeth...oh no, that wasn't the one who did it; it was the assistant, the one with the curly brown hair who always looked at Lindsey like he was the answer to her prayers, almost like saying, "Here, buddy, you take her. I'm exhausted." Now Lindsey was all pissed and asking questions and giving her one-word answers in front of his family who hated her already...fucking Stevie Nicks...when would that ridiculous old witch just retire and go away?

They had been whisper-arguing in the car, purposely keeping it down because the kids were asleep. Lindsey said, "All I know if I left you two alone to pack up the car and when I came back Stevie looked like Bambi when they shot her mom. Maybe you inadvertently said something?"

"You know, your insistence on making sure Stevie's precious little feelings aren't hurt is getting old, Lindsey," Kristen said. They were pulling into the driveway of their house, the outdoor lights that worked on a timer illuminating the half-finished construction of the newer, bigger house under a big tarp in the rain and looking almost sad, saggy, like a half-finished dream. Part of Kristen had always known she was his second choice, and four yers ago, she'd been sure she could break that spell, whatever hold Stevie had on him, but each year that passed by, each milestone as a couple they went through - moving in together, Will being born, getting married, LeeLee being born, the new house being built - her plan seemed to be slipping further and further from her fingers...because Lindsey was. She thought of a friend of hers when she was in college who'd earned a living in Hollywood as a seat filler - a person who was paid to attend awards shows in formal attire and shadow celebrities and temporarily fill their seats when they went to the bathroom or got a drink so that the audience never looked empty on TV, and that was what she was to Lindsey. She was a seat filler in her own marriage because she knew that as far as Lindsey was concerned, the wrong blonde woman was exiting this car right now, holding her sleeping daughter in one arm and an umbrella in the other to get in the house. Lindsey carried his sleeping son and an umbrella behind her up to the house, and she knew he'd rather be anywhere but here. She knew he loved their children - she'd never think otherwise - but she also knew she was just keeping a seat warm for Stevie. She'd always known.