Demiboy from Marinduque XD

log #1 TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of suicide.

Its in the middle of pride month and im 3 days closer to my birthday. Its 1:22am at june 15 2022

I just arrived here two days ago. By ship, it was fun but now im dealing with another mental breakdown as a result of my gender. And my Mother.

Im a demiboy (ftm) and i am turning 17. I was raised genderless until i was 9. I am an only child but my mum decided to unofficially adopt her 7 siblings.Im a mess because i was foolish enough to want parental attention from a woman who was always busy.

Rn i watched 3 generations (aka about ray) and i felt jealous of how accepting Ray's mom was so i started crying. My mother walked in the room and tried to comfort me telling me to Try to tell her what's wrong.

I told her i felt like my transness is stressing her and when she told me it was not i made a mistake. The worse mistake to make around an overworked single cisgender mother. I told her "then how come you still misgender me. How come you still tell people i am your daughter." She got upset...rightfully so... She's not really transphobic, she just hasn't researched anything about being trans past the transphobic people who try to teach trans issues. And she told me "But you ARE a daughter" i tried to explain to her how sex and gender were different but...it didn't work. She was too busy tryna explain to me that the people here are not accepting and that I should hide MY feelings because my issue is easier than ANYTHING ELSE in this world. I failed my own mother. I needed her to understand my issue and why i felt upset, the feeling of her not accepting me just because of my gender identity, i just needed assurance that she accepted me and that she was misgendering me so that we are safe and that she doesn't really believe i am a girl and that i am crazy or i have to stay a girl for the rest of my life or i die. But... Considering i lashed out at the beginning and threatened her pride somehow I think i will never find out until i actually die.

I wrote two suicide letters tonight but i dont know how to kill myself without feeling pain cuz im a pussy.

So i will never actually know if she does accept me considering the last thing she told me was that other parents could be worse and shes the best parent for "Not questioning your Gender".....the bare minimum that ALL parents of trans kids should do to avoid their kids committing suicide.

I am hopping she just said that so the other cis people dont attack her but if she WAS serious...what i get from that is that she doesn't accept me enough to respect that i am a boy now like all the other parents, and she doesn't care enough for other trans kids to make a difference no matter how tiny because shes concerned that cis people will think she's crazy.

But knowing her and the history she had with me being trans even in the closet and for my mental illnesses and my normal kid issues. I doubt she still cares about my feelings. She only cares that I'm alive and healthy physically but not mentally. You know what she thinks about depression? She thinks depressed people should just think happy thoughts and stay positive. As if i havent tried that. I tried my darn hardest to think positively but the only thing that can heal my urge to kill myself is transitioning. EVEN SHELTERED 12 YEAR OLDS KNOW THIS! But she thinks she knows everything about the human brain. If she did, by her logic, i would have been a cisgender man the day i was born. But that's not what happened.... I want to stab my chest until i stop feeling...im not supposed to feel sad or feel like a "victim" as my mom always says I'm the reason I feel pain not the fact she never taught me how to cope with it, nor did she show compassion about all the issues that make me wanna kill myself. As i said she cares about my physical self but never my brain unless it benefits her. Or at least that's the vibe im getting. She always tells me she loves me and she always hugged me before she got a job...she cares about me but maybe she's too busy to deal with me, to the point she feels hopeless about my emotions and the only ways she knows to make me stop feeling upset is to tell me other people deal with worse.

Doesn't work but at least she's trying...

To be fair she's trying her best...she tried to comfort me while i was crying tonight...