My Poems

Struggle

I'm tired of needing to feel wanted
Wanting to be needed
Of asking you to prove it
I don't know what to do because each No
Which you are entitled to
Feels more like being shot and stabbed at the same time than a rejection
Each No sends me into a spiral trying to find what you mean by No
In my head No means
My stomach isn't flat enough
I talk to much
To loud
You just aren't interested
Not attracted
It makes me want to peel away layers of my flesh hoping a different skin will grow
One that you don't struggle to show you love
I'm tired of this same old sonyg and dance
Of me taking things to personal
Feeling like I've forced you to do things you don't want to do
Like love me
Like touch me
Like want me
I'm so tired
Tired of going to bed wondering if you love me
Really and truly love me
Honestly want me
Because I grew up never feeling wanted or loved every night hiding tears under my pillow like they were my most prized possession I was afraid someone would steal
I guess old habits die hard
Only now I hide my fears in poems about my self and my family
And I know no one can steal them because no one knows they exist
I've learned to act okay
Learned to be bold and brave and loud and use my voice
But even though I am screaming that I don't believe a word you say
I don't think you can hear me because nothing has changed
I'm loosing sleeping pondering if anyone wants me around
Laughing at my self for thinking somebody could love someone like me
My brain says I'm worth so much more than this
But my heart says no one will miss you if you slit your wrists
I am not special
I am not the main character of a romantic hallmark movie
I don't get a happy ending
But can't I at least get a happy story
One where I'm not left wondering if the hero loves me or is just with me out of pity
Or out of habit and familiarity
I'm tired of begging to be shown love
Of pleading for proof that someone wants me
Truthfully I don't think there's enough evidence in the world to make me believe someone cares
But god dam I just want you to try.