My Poems

Presence

Being here now does not fix the absence of the past
It does not go back and change all the bad thoughts your child had
It's does not stop them from growing up thing they were not good enough
Giving someone stitches now
Does not fix the scar that almost killed them a year ago
Your presence
You simply coming back into their life
Does not fix all the scars and trauma you gave them
You are not a powerful deity where simply being in your presence will heal all that ails them
It will not give them back thousands of dollars they spent to have a person listen to them sob and scream
"Why couldn't they just Love me?"
There is work to be done, trust to be gained and maintained
Despite the similar sounding words
Your presence now is not a present
This is no gift
This is a reminder that once upon a time we were not good enough
You may have been in the other room, the other side of the dinner table but we knew from the look on your face you were a million miles away
Maybe you were in another state without a second thought on how your child was doing
Maybe you knew from the moment they were conceived into existence that you were not going to stay
You want a relationship now fine
But this change we are giving you, you only get one
See we spend our lives trusting you
Wasting our childhoods on broken promises and well constructed lies
Our youth should have been full of monkey bars, broken bones and life lessons
Instead the only thing we learned is those closest to you will hurt you the most so you might as well close your self off now little one and save your self the pain of trusting and loving anyone every again
So you waltzing in here ten, maybe fifteen years later saying
"But I'm here now. Doesn't that count for something?"
No. It doesn't.
You need to prove to us that you are here for us and not to release you from your guilty conscious
It is not our fault that this far along you are only just realizing we are worthy of your love and attention and you feel bad
We have spent so long healing our selves that it would foolish to let you back in
But we will and we smile and be happy and think "Finally they love me"
But 75% of the time you will loss that trust and we will be right back at square one holding our bleeding hearts in our hands, calling ourselves idiots for thinking things could be anything but the same
So no, being here now does not count for anything
Because it doesn't change that we needed you back then.