Falling - Hyunlix

Being A Better Friend Than The Disorder

Dinner didn't go as smoothly as he would have hoped. Felix returned only to be met with eyes boring into his skin. It was uncomfortable and in that moment he wanted nothing more than the ground to swallow him completely whole.

It seems his plan to stick all the blame onto Hyunjin was a complete and utter failure.

Everything sort of erupted into a whole explosion of an argument after that...molten anger flowing through his veins without any intentions of stopping.

At some point, he's not sure when but he knows he started crying. That meant Hyunjin started to cry which set Jisung off into a mess of fucking tears too. Why is it he has to cause so much hurt in everyone, why can't he just man the fuck up and sort himself out? Is it really all worth it? Is it?

Which is why he's currently in his room, huddled in a pile of blankets whilst he sniffles into the crook of his arm. His chest hurts like his bones are cracking under his own damned sorrow - it feels as if his heart will stop any minute. The blood rushing through his head it too loud, it's like he's drowning and can't claw his way out of this murky depth he's condemned himself to. He did it again you know. He went to the bathroom. Everything was so red and it did nothing to alleviate the heart-wrenching guilt racking through him in heartfelt sobs. Everything he does is so pointless. He's pointless! An absolute waste of space! He wishes he was dead. Fuck he wishes someone would shoot a pretty little hole right in the back of his head.

He wraps a skeletal hand around his delicate wrist, the pinky and thumb touching. He desperately aches for some comfort, just the confirmation that he's skin and bones. He needs to know that. He needs to know that he's fucking emaciated! Otherwise it's all for nothing.

It feels like he's given up everything in this nightmare to be thin. He has no personality, just a shell of his former self. Without the energy to be himself what is he? If he can't starve himself he has nothing. Lee Felix is nothing without his eating disorder. It makes him irritable and he can't help but snap at the people he cares about. He's turned into a liar. Someone his members can barely talk to anymore.

Is it all worth it? Is it really worth it to be thin?

Felix immediately shuts the possibility down. Yes. It is worth it. Who would he be if he wasn't thin and pretty. Nobody. He would be nobody.

With a newfound determination Felix stands up (albeit shakily) from his bedroom floor. Sitting on his desk is Chan's old laptop that he sometimes uses to work on new songs. He hasn't done that in a long time.

Tapping in the passcode, Felix logs onto an old forum. You know the one...you know exactly.

He mindlessly scrolls through posts of people deep in the caverns of anorexia and emaciation.

Jealous. Felix is jealous.

Why cant he lose weight? Why cant he be thin? Why? Why? Why?

WHY HIM? WHY ISN'T HE FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH?

That's it. Felix refuses to continue. He's going to stop eating for good. He won't eat a single thing till he drops down to his goal weight.

He'll prove to everyone that he's worthy of their attention and that he can do everything they can't.

Slightly jittery, Felix shuts off the laptop and climbs into bed. Nobody came to check on him that night. Not because they didn't want to - but because they couldn't bring themselves to look at him anymore.

That was not Lee Felix anymore.

The next morning, Felix throws on an old t-shirt and wanders into the living room. Hyunjin and Jisung are curled up on the sofa still half-asleep. There is a cup of coffee in Hyunjin's large hands but it looks to have gone cold despite being full to the brim.