Falling - Hyunlix

There Is No Safety Net

They arrive at dance practice late - of course they do. It had taken them over half an hour to even leave the house.

When the two come through the door, Felix is still carrying the evidence of tears and an argument on his cheeks. Everyone halts, staring at him silently asking the same question. The dance instructor tells everyone to take five.

Hyunjin takes a hold of Felix's hand as they join everyone on the floor. Felix is still cold. Why is it that he's still cold?

"You guys okay?" Chan asks them as they take a seat in the circle.

Okay? Felix isn't sure. He can still feel bile burning the back of his throat, his eyes are itchy from sobbing, chest aching from shouting, throat sore for the same reason. Whilst Felix looks (and feels) like death warmed up, Hyunjin still manages to put on a perfect facade. Makaeup done, smile on his face, looking like he does every single day despite sobbing his heart out at that kitchen island. God Hyunjin is so fucking perfect it's actually sickening.

Hyunjin nods, squeezing Felix's hand, "We got there in the end."

In the end. Oh God, Felix makes everything so difficult. He's such a waste of time...all that time spent arguing over some fucking yoghurt. It's actually humiliating, shameful, mortifying even.

And what's worse is that the world just keeps going without him. He can sit there every fucking day crying over Hyunjin trying to keep him alive but nothing he does will change anything. The members go on without them, they dance without them, the whole world carries on with their day as normal whilst he sits there unable to perform the most basic human functions.

Does that even make Felix human? Can he be counted as a human, someone worthy of love and life, when his existence is nothing but misery and disaster?

Felix looks up from his hands (where he'd been absent-mindedly twisting a loose ring around his fingers). He hates everything he sees. Why is everyone else allowed to be happy but he sits here three seconds away from slamming his head off the fucking wall?

Felix knows everyone has their own struggles, it would be ignorant of him not to ignore everything his friends go through. But when the only thing on his mind is how to quiet the dastardly thoughts plaguing him, one starts to lose sight of the problems everyone else faces. He only sees the positives of their life and it drives him insane with jealousy.

He's endlessly aware none of their happiness is permanent - they all slip-up too. That's how life works. Felix knows all too well about Chan's soul-destroying insomnia, Jisung's shattering anxiety, Hyunjin's perfectionist tendencies, Seungmin's self-esteem issues. And yet all he sees right now is how fucking cheery they all are. If Felix could he would make all their worries disapear within two seconds, he loves them, he would do anything for them. But it still hurts. It still destroys him to see just how happy they can all be...and just how happy they can be without him.

Nobody needs him here.

Nobody has ever needed him.

The dance instructor clicks his fingers, drawing Felix out of his pitiful wallowing. Something is yelled about getting into positions, and Felix and Hyunjin are asked to warm up for the first five minutes. Like a well-oiled machine everyone jumps up from the floor and moves into their spaces. So whilst Felix and Hyunjin are doing the usual warm-up the music plays and the familiar thud of shoes and counting fills the room. It's fascinating really, how ingrained every movement is into the members bones. Almost as if this is a part of their dna. Every movement seems to flow out their fingertips, it's so natural. Felix is a little jealous in all honesty...everyone is just so perfect. And he isn't. He'll never be perfect. Not like them.