Break My Heart Slow

Epilogue | Lead Me On Forever

Chapter 11 (Epilogue)

Lead Me On Forever

Eleanor's

I was sitting on my bed with my laptop in front of me, staring at facebook's familiar white and blue home page, for who knows how long. I should be out with my British friends tonight, partying at an exclusive beach club in Ibiza. But instead, I chose to stay here in Manchester, in my flat, where the only living thing accompanying is the gold fish Luke gave to me last week when he visited. Facebook, on the other hand, didn't just stared back at me, it mercilessly and continuously keeps me updated on things I don't I have to know about everyone else's life. It was, kind of... Annoying. Most especially for the fact that people around are partying and living the most out of their lives, whilst there's me, wasting time doing nothing to make myself happy.

Happy seemed to be the hardest word to do for me this past few months. Being happy seemed to be beyond impossible. Apart from Brandon and Lily, Luke was the only one who knew about it. He knew, so well, that even if I smile and told everyone that I was fine, I'm not. That even after graduation, even after I chose to continue my Uni here in Manchester, even if I showed everyone that I don't care about Brandon anymore, I still care and it was still painful. Even if I was the one who got away, it's still me who lost a greater part of her. I had the chance to put an end to our story, but I guess, it's just something he gave away to compromise with my feelings.

Unfair. This is so unfair.

Breakups aren't meant to be fair after all, hearts weren't meant to break evenly. I was the one who shattered worse and had no clue how to put herself back to how happy it used to. I was the one who lost her trust to anyone, or anything.

I don't know why I can stand the torture I am getting from facebook. These posts from my friends - about how they are celebrating something or partying because they simply want to- makes me realize that I used to be like them, I used to be the party girl, the popular cheerleader who doesn't give a damn on anything but her own happiness.

Believe me, I'm trying to be that old Eleanor again but there's always something that kept on holding me back. No matter how I wanted to be better, the pain still lingers inside me. I loved him, and I hate him too much.

This past few months, I choose to be bitter because I know I have all the rights to be. Luke told me that it is not good and I know he is right. This won't do me any good; I should've confronted him and talked to Brandon in person to tell him how I feel and to finally have a closure, a clear and fair closure. But I refused to see him since that night, I never talked to him, ever again. Keeping the bitterness to myself is easier than showing everyone that I am broken and I lost.

It's still hard for me to accept the fact that I didn't just lost him, I lost myself too.

I lost the girl who can easily let go of the things she doesn't need, the one who's able to replace them in a day or so, the one who can easily move on. I lost the girl who knows what's best for her. I lost the girl who trusts everyone because she knows nobody can ever hurt her.

A notification popped out that reads Brandon Tomlinson updated his status. Yes, he's on my favorites list and I still get updated on his activity - the things he decided to share with his facebook friends. Then here I go again, clicking the button, heart pounding for an unknown reason. The status says "Ah... Doncaster! So nice to be back home with Lily Rainsborough"

My heart, my entire being felt like it literally fell from a very high cliff. My fingers felt numb and seemed like it has its own mentality, it's like I have no control the moment I clicked the block button. And just like that, he's gone, on my friends list, in my life and hopefully in my mind. Geez, it can't be possible, but I have to make it possible, I need to erase him in my mind for my own sake.