Love Lockdown | jk x reader

Prologue

He'd made me so happy. His existence in itself had brought happiness to so many people it hurt to see him not smile. As if his whole existence consisted of that smile, and that laughter. That laugh was the root of so many good memories that I still carried with me.

Seeing him in school everyday was the constant reminder of all of that.

But what somehow hurt even more, was seeing him heal from it. As selfish as it was, it hurt when his smile returned, when his funny comments during class recurred I was left even more hurt. I wasn't gonna hear that laughter, listen to him talk for hours non stop anymore. It wasn't for me. It was for everyone in class, and then somewhat for me.

When he'd ended things out of the blue it certainly confused me, hell it ripped my heart apart. The heart he'd cared so much, taken so much care of and appreciated beyond imagination.

He'd been perfect towards me, and perhaps that was what made it die in the end. Perhaps all relationships needed ups and downs, and we didn't have that. It was a steady and happy relationship, yet with so many feelings left unsaid for us both.

I kept telling myself if I'd been more open, if I had reassured him about my feelings that I'd somehow still have him in my arms, that I'd still hear that laughter, for me only.

He'd made me feel so special, so loved and appreciated. It almost felt like another life that we were together.

The fact that it wasn't even a month ago that he broke up with me was so odd. In a way it felt like yesterday and the other part of me felt it as if it was a year ago, I felt like a totally different person now.

Thinking about him now still brought a smile to my lips. Thinking back to all the sweet things he'd done for me, still warmed my heart. It didn't hurt thinking about it all as it did in the beginning. Time was odd.

As much as my friends kept telling me he wasn't worth it, that I could get so much better, he was the only one I wanted. That I'd been with other people after him didn't change anything, it only reassured me that he was the one.

And as much as he was a weird and odd person, perhaps toxic towards a lot of people he'd treated me like the world. He'd been perfect for me. He'd acted perfect only for me. He'd hated pretty much everyone but me, as cliché or cringe as that sounded.

Seeing him everyday hurt like hell. When he'd once been so eager and happy to see me every single day, he now didn't care at all. He acted as if I didn't even exist, as if he wasn't going to see me every single day for the next two years. As if I didn't mean anything to him at all.

A part of me wanted him to know how much I missed him, while the other one wanted him to think I didn't care the slightest bit about him. It was a frustrating mix of whether I should reach out to him or do as him, act like we'd never even been together in the first place.

I knew forgetting him and erasing that part of me was the only thing that would make me get over him.

Perhaps what attracted us in the beginning was our differences, the fact we were almost opposites in so many ways. His outgoing, loud and talkative personality along with my quiet, shy and a bit on the awkward side personality.

Somehow a mix of those personalities fit so perfectly together, and yet made it destined to end sooner or later.

We fit so imperfectly together it made it work for a while for some odd reason. All I wanted was to have him back, to know that he was there and cared for me like I'd never felt cared for before. He was so utterly addictive once you got to know him, he might've been annoying at first, but once you got to know him. You were surely going to be down bad for him. Whether that was in a romantic or platonic way, you could still feel it nevertheless.

All of his friends would tell you the same. You couldn't get enough of him. You would always be stuck with a fun and good memory of him. He made everyone so happy.

Something I loved about him, was how completely honest he was. He didn't wear a mask to satisfy anyone, no he was so much himself, he didn't wanna be anyone else. He was the most genuine person I'd ever come across in my life.

As much as I hoped to get him back, and as much as there was still a little hope inside of me telling me that I would obviously get him back at some point, deep down I knew none of that would ever happen. It didn't work like that. He was way too emotionally unavailable to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't doing very much better herself.

I knew pursuing a relationship wouldn't do anything good in the long run for either of us. We weren't made to be together, and perhaps I had to accept that, as much as I didn't want to. But was wanting him back really that outrages? Wasn't it understandable that I missed him this much?

I knew I had a way of not really getting over people, especially not if a year hadn't passed by yet. And it hadn't even been a month since the breakup so I wasn't really expecting a lot from my side. I already knew I wouldn't get over him anytime soon, so why wish to be so badly when thinking about him brought some sort of comfort to me. Knowing he'd been there for me like that felt reassuring as weird as that was

Disclaimer

This is a work of fiction

I do not encourage smoking/drinking/doing drugs

The relationship depicted in this story is very much so toxic. Keep that in mind when reading as I do not want to romanticize it.

Enjoy 🤗🍃

Playlist: (no particular order)

Guilt trip - Kanye West
Blame game - Kanye West
Bad News - Kanye West
Paranoid - Kanye West
Love lockdown - Kanye West
How Do I Make You Love me? - The Weeknd
Don't Break My Heart - The Weeknd
Until I Bleed Out - The Weeknd
WANTED U - Joji
I'LL SEE YOU IN 40 - Joji
Coldest Winter - Kanye West
Repeat After Me - The Weeknd
Say You Will - Kanye West
Street Lights - Kanye West
See You In My Nightmares - Kanye West
Lost In The World - Kanye West
Love In The Sky - The Weeknd
In Your Eyes - The Weeknd