sitting in comfortable silence, as the light on the ceiling buzzed, and the fan on the floor spinned calmly. shinji on the floor listening to music, and kaworu on his bed reading.
they hung out like this frequently, on the weekends, or just whenever things got to be too much at shinji's own home.
"shinji?" kaworu set down his book, and looked at him with shining eyes.
"yes?" he paused his music and looked back at him, at how his eyes sparkled in the light, shades of red and gold dancing.
"i love you."
shinji blushed and looked away, but then his soft smile faded. kaworu was always saying stuff like that, complimenting him, looking at him with that peaceful smile, on his face that just said he was happy to be around him.
but it made shinji wonder,,
"kaworu, you know i'm not a girl, right?"
shinji looked back at him, and kaworu made this confused face.
"what,,? yeah!" kaworu sighed
"you know it's okay to be gay right, shinji?"
"huh?,, of course it is! i just,"
shinji leaned back against the bed and looked up at the curling. conversations like these, they just never went right. always unplanned, poorly executed, regrettable.
this heavy feeling of dread made itself known, his throat felt tight. he didn't want to lose his friend. and if that doesn't happen, will kaworu just use him?
after a moment he finally spoke.
"well, it's just, well i.. you see," shinji sighs a bit
"i'm sure it's obvious, kaworu, i'm not like you. i just want to be sure that you understand that, i'm not a girl"
"my man, you are being just so incredibly vague right now, nothing is obvious, what are you talking about?"
"kaworu,, i'm trans. so like, i'm still the same guy, but i'm not sure you wanna date me, or maybe you do but in a weird and creepy way, and this is just awkward. and i wish this wasn't so difficult. i don't want you to see me any differently."
"oh." kaworu sat on the floor next to him.
"shinji, that's okay!" kaworu smiled once more.
" you're still you! you're still the shinji i like! i dont care if maybe you look a little different, all that matters is that you're comfortable, and happy! and i'll do my best to ensure that!
im sorry, i don't have the perfect thing to say,
but you'll always be important to me and i hope you understand that"
shinji felt relieved, well, as much as he let himself. still a little on guard.
"thanks!" shinji smiled too.
"do you wanna watch a movie?" shinji asked,
hoping to get away from any lingering awkwardness
"yeah!"
and after a little bit of the movie they were all cuddled up and stuff, just as they would've otherwise.
