The Truth

           I will never understand how our friendship went so south. I will never understand how you went from being the person I loved most in the world, the person I went to first about everything, the person I stayed up late with while we talked and laughed.

         The person who I thought had no flaws, the person who knew my ins and outs, the person who I hung out with every weekend, I loved your family and you loved mine and I thought you were the sister I never had.

          But the past couple of years, you've been everything but that person. As much as I hate saying this, I don't think it's worth it anymore. Is going through this constant cycle of issues worth it? Is crying worth it? Is checking my phone and seeing you have left me on delivered for the 5th day worth it? Is going to my mom and complaining worth it? In the end, does our friendship check out to be healthy? Or does it check out to be the friendship that didn't last because of "bad terms?"

        Maybe you are going through something, maybe it's been a bad past couple of years, maybe you're stressed and emotionally damaged. But what good does it do being friends with someone who treats you like shit? 

     I have stressed about the continuous times we have fought, or should I just call them friend disagreements? I have realized the outcome of every situation where when I come and talk to you..you shut down, you close me out and push me away and slap me on the hand. 

    I have done some not-good friend things, I have been mean to you before and I've apologized for acting that way. I understood where you were coming from, I felt bad for being rude towards you, cause you did not deserve it. 

    For a while, I felt like I was crazy, did I just see you this way, or did others? You have been such a major part of my life, how in the hell could you end up being this person I didn't want to talk to or see anymore?

    I wish I knew if I did something, I wish I knew if I was the problem, and I don't understand why you feel like you can't talk to me. I don't understand how I went from being your best friend to a "snappy" person. I don't understand how you could tell me I am a bad friend and how I never change, I wish you could tell me. But instead, I had to go to my boyfriend and cry in his arms, had to go to my mom and cry, and had to think through all these feelings of losing a friendship that I valued so highly.

     I have tried to tell myself this friendship has run its course and you were in my life to teach me something. I tried to tell myself that you are going through a rough patch and I also hurt you during that so you just pushed and pushed some more. 

    I know we're growing up, and it sucks. Soon enough we will be about out of high school, we will be working and off to college and paying taxes, and starting families. But I knew you weren't my friend anymore when I didn't feel like seeing you or being around you and when I didn't want to tell you anything because what is the point? 

    How can you tell me I'm not the one reaching out when for a solid year all I did was want to talk to you and ask why we weren't as close and tried to start conversation after conversation when the only thing that would happen is that you would not respond to me for days. 

   I wanted to continue to talk to you, I wanted to fix our problems, I wanted to love your family again and know I could reach out at any time. 

    But you are not my friend anymore. You are not my friend anymore. I love you and hate you so much at the same time. I wish this didn't happen and I wish I could love you forever. I want to apologize for things that are not my fault, I want things to be normal. 

  But you are not worth my time, you are not worth my breath, and you are not worth a friendship with me anymore.