Hear my Last Words

First Man

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Third Page

24th of September

Dear Mr. Jim,

"HEY! Can I atleast call you Dad?

You know, the 18 years of my life was wonderful. But, you were the thorns in some part of it.

You are the reason why I chose not to attend the Father's Day Celebration in school because I have no one to come with.

I was forced to lie because I don't want any of my friends to feel sorry for me or in truth, is because I Envy them.

I lied that You are just working at day and be home by night.

I lied that We are so close to each other, and that We get along a lot.

Oh, Dad.. You are handsome, tall, dark haired, with bright eyes, strong, hard working, protective, loving, and loyal. Yet, I know that these are all just a work of my imagination.

You were Awesome, Dad!!! Really!

"Hey Ellen, why didn't you come at the Father's Day event?"

"Yeah, why didn't you bring your Dad?"

"It's because she doesn't really have one at home! She lied to us! My mommy told me that your parents seperated. Liar! Ellen is a Liar!"

"Yeah! liar! liar! liar! liar! LIAR!"

It was painful. It was like they were throwing rocks at me. But it does not hurt physically, instead emotionally.

I only did that because I don't wanted to be teased as "left alone" , "granny's girl" , "unloved" , or "broken". They cannot blame me for what I did. I was only a kid back then. I know you would not even understand.

Ohh, Yes.. I could also still remember when I was forcing Mom to atleast show a picture of You, or even describe what You look like. Do I look like You?? Or more like Mom??

But of course, Mom is your Biggest Hater of All Human Being, that's why she burned all of Your pictures including everything that will remind her of You.

She completely erased you in her life.

Oh, If only You knew how much she curses You.

How she wishes You to die by her own hands.

She said she could never forgive you.

And I cannot blame her for that. I understand the pain and suffering she had been through..

Since you started hurting Us.

Since you decided to left Us.

Since the time you chose to walk away instead of giving yourself a chance to change..

To show that you Love us.

And that was then, when I was so eager to be like you.

And I was right. I am.

They say I looked a lot like you, physically. And I'm thankful for that.

I'm thankful that it was only the physical thing that I've got from you. You know why??

It's because I hate you! I hate you that much! I hate you! I hate you!
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I'm even afraid of seeing You.

I feared of having a shadow of You, Dad.

I kept asking myself why...

Why does it has to be me??

Why do I have to live a life of incompleteness??

Why did God chose me??

You don't know how painful it was to be like me..

Why didn't you come back for us?? Why??

I loved you Dad. Even if I can't see you. Eventhough I can't feel you.

It tear me apart. Through the years, my love become hatred.

I always remind myself to Forgive.. Forgive. Let Go. Let go of the Pain.

But it was too much. I can't do it.

How can I forgive someone who never gave me a reason to do so?

I even asked myself if you deserve any forgiveness..