The Trail to Spring

Chapter 14

I had been waiting for Atifa for about an hour before my eyes travelled to the presently closed gates of my school in front of which I was standing.

The school looked a bit different to me now that I was no longer a part of the institution. And yet I knew that it was inevitable. The first time when you realise that you are growing up, when you realize a change in your world and your viewpoint of that world, you embrace it like a gift. You look forward to it and nurture that feeling of finally finding your place in the world. But then one day you realise that once you start growing up, you lose something important that can never be gotten back. You miss the things that have been a part of your life till now. You want to look forward to the future and yet hold on to the past. You want to plough ahead in life and stay back at the same time. I know it's odd but I sometimes felt as if I was stuck in a very tiny and uncomfortable little space in my life and whichever way I chose to go, I had to sacrifice something dear to me.

"Remembering our school life?," Atifa asked.

I turned around to see her standing behind me and grinning.

"How long have you been standing here?," I asked.

"Long enough," she replied, "What did you mean by 'things are finally looking up?'"

I told her about my brush with the detective and how we had figured that my brother must have been in Darjeeling all this while.

"No," she shook her head as soon as I finished my recount.

"What do you mean 'no'," I asked her.

"I know what you are going to say and my answer is no," she said with conviction.

"But we got to go to Darjeeling, Atifa," I protested, "You know I can't leave this trail like that."

"I know that," she agreed, "And I also know that lying to your parents and going so far away is not safe at all. It was okay as long as we stayed in the city. But going off so far without informing anyone would be a very foolish thing to do."

I could not understand why she was acting as if she was afraid at this prospect. After all, she had been travelling alone since the ninth grade and she should be pretty comfortable with this idea.

"Look," I said, "You are the one who is always telling me to get out more often and see the world on my own. You are the one who told me to be independent. So why are you backing out now?"

"You must understand the difference between independence and dare devilry, Maya. Your brother didn't understand that," she said, looking at me.

"Don't say anything about dada," I replied, quietly.

"Oh and why won't I?," she asked. Her voice was increasingly taking a jeering tone.
"Think about it. It was because of your brother that your parents and your grandfather have always been sad. It was because of him that you didn't have any friends in the junior classes. It was he who broke your family and ran away. And after all this, he didn't come to see you even once. And now you are saying that you are willing to lay down your life to bring back that demon? He doesn't deserve this kind of dedication Maya. He deserves to be dead."

I looked up at her, my mouth open in horror. As I registered her words, I felt as if the whole world was spinning around me. I couldn't answer back and I hated myself for that. But what she had said was also true. My brother never did come back to me himself.

Atifa held on to my shoulder.

"I...I didn't mean that, Maya. I am sorry," she muttered. She looked genuinely sorry for her words but it was too late. Her words had already pierced my heart.