STRAY KIDS ONESHOTS

HOW DO I COPE? - JEONGCHAN

SHIP: Jeongchan

PLOT: Jeongin is sacrificing his teenage years to accomplish his dreams. He has amazing bandmates and an amazing boyfriend, but still, missing those supposedly free and wild years he takes his tole on him. (I don't know why but this situation reminds me of the song Brutal by Olivia Rodrigo :)

WARNINGS: Severe stress, self-harm (I don't know much about self-harm so if I write something untrue or disrespectful please tell me immediately so I can fix any mistakes.) If you or someone you know is self-harming, please reach out for help, I'm sure there are people out there willing to listen, don't forget that you are loved. <3

REQUEST: Luisa6191

JEONGIN P.O.V.

Am I really supposed to be here? Shouldn't I be living my teenage life instead of performing and exhausting my body at such a young age? Such deep questions resurfaced in my head for the tenth time that day, as I sat down for a five-minute break from dance practice. Bad timing, I know.

But still, don't I kind of have a point? I mean people my age are stressing out about exams. I stress out about exams, yes, but also about making the most insignificant mistake that will cause a wave of hate towards me and my members. People in my class have crushes and fuss over their love life. Sure I have crushes and fuss over my love life, but I have to do it secretly, and constantly make sure dispatch is not up my ass for all the "juicy relationships". My old childhood friends are now playing games and having karaoke nights. Yes, I play games and have karaoke nights with my members, but all while at least five cameras are filming us. Teens go out to their first parties, dance, and sing until their throats and feet hurt. In this case, I can't go out to my first parties and dance and sing until my throat and feet hurt, because I have practice early the next morning and I have to try and not look like a zombie.

I just feel like I'm missing out on so many things I should be doing right now. Is fame helping my group and me become successful, therefore making our dreams come true; or is it just ruining my life? Isn't there a very thin line in between?

At first, it didn't really bother me to think about this, but as time went on, I found myself being more affected by my train of thought. The pressure became too much. I started making silly mistakes during dance practices. Minho would get mad at me, he wouldn't say anything because Chan's the leader and my boyfriend, and that apparently helps so that my second oldest Hyung cuts me some slack. However, that doesn't avoid the death glares and snarky remarks under his breath.

A few weeks after the mistakes during practice took place, I started making mistakes during my performances. Then Chan would get mad at me as well. So now it wasn't just Chan and Minho, but all of Stray Kids, and staff. I desperately wanted to tell them that it wasn't my fault, that I was in pain, worrying, and missing something in my life. But I don't want to be ungrateful, especially when Chan decided to put all his trust in me. So I kept quiet.

The best way to describe my current relationship with Chan was... tense. There was a lot of tension, for sure. He would get mad at me but keep it inside, and I was just scared that one day all the anger built up in him would just explode because that would just make things a lot worse.

"Jeongin," yes, kind, loving Chan had stopped using nicknames and pet names with me, that felt like garbage "I've called you five times. Why are you ignoring me? It's disrespectful."

I opened my mouth and decided to talk back and stand my ground, but nothing really came out.

"I wasn't ignoring you, Hyung," yep, I had also gone back to using honorifics after he stopped calling me any other thing but my name, "I just spaced out, I guess," I answered, my voice getting quieter by the end of the sentence. God, what the fuck had happened to our relationship? We used to be so open to each other, so communicative; and now look at us, we're just a bundle of nerves and tension.