Why I killed myself

Myself

Why can nobody understand me? It's so obvious. I crave love but push it away at the same time it feels gross. Ever since I was 7? I started rejecting my families affections. It felt off to me. I hate my life but it's my life so I should do what I love right? I want to be loved I want to be seen but I hate it, please nobody look at me.. but please let me know I'm loved. Why do I care so much about being loved? Why can't I be okay on my own? For some odd reason I feel like something happened to me as a kid, something bad, why else would I just randomly start feeling gross and push people away? A few men in my life have done things to me that I can't forget. Buy I wasn't all that great to begin with either. I sometimes think I maybe deserve what happened but then I think who should have to do through something like that? I was molested when I was 14 that one I remember the most and is the one that affects me the most.. but before that there was my moms brother, I was so young all the way till I was probably 10, I don't think anything sexual happened to me personally by him but he did chase me with my sock monkey putting his tail between his legs saying it was a penis and he was gonna get me... it was at a baby shower.. I was like 7-9? Why the fuck did no one say anything to him?? He wouldn't leave me alone. Everytime I saw him he wouldn't let me breath he would tickle me to the point I turned colors and was crying gasping for air he wouldn't stop and no one would stop him. Then also in elementary when I moved on 16th ave in 2004 the boy across the street. I didn't meet him right away bc we went to different schools but I went to his school in 3rd grade. He was my age, would always invite me to play video games with him and I would. He would always be home alone. I bet him at skylanders and he threw me on the ground and held me down stomach on the ground. He put his finger in my butthole and moved it around like a worm. I don't remember if I left right after that or not. He wouldn't let me leave most times, I was just a kid so I didn't think anything of it. If I explained everything that's ever happened to me I'd be here all day and I'd rather not open up those wounds tonight. The point is it's sad knowing almost ever girl has been sexually assaulted in some way:(

   When I was emo in middle school I always wondered how I turned to that but looking back now it all makes sense. When I told my dad about the boy across the street he didn't do anything. When I told my mom about the older boy at school molesting me all she said was "did you lose your virginity!?" That's all she cared about.. how Christian of her. I've brought that up to her before saying why? Why weren't you there for me.. and she just turned it on her. She's not a horrible mom just doesn't know how to handle me. They did call the cops on the school boy, he also lived up the hill. The cops never did anything. Why would they. No evidence.. just my word and his.. it wasn't even the only time he had the cops came to him for it, he's done it twice before with other girls when he was younger. Everything happens for a reason I guess. The cops told me they would talk to him but I don't think they ever did. I know I shouldn't hate people but I hate that cop and idk if I ever won't. I've seen her at school a few times I think she was a school cop, she even had a speech at the auditorium about to go to her when you have troubles and it took Everything in me to not scream she was a piece of shit. The school knew what "I accused" him of and the next year they had us in the lunch, I didn't go to lunch that semester.. I stayed in the school basement. Honestly it's so stupid when I think about it, no proof? My friend at the time I was taking to him about how I wanted to ask him why and we were in the back hallways behind the blue gym and he was around the corner behind the big gym with my 8th grade ex which I didn't think about at the time but now that I am that's weird. Anyways my friend said if I don't ask him now then I would regret it, it was the last day I think and that's why it was a big deal to do it at that moment. So I ran up to him and when he saw me coming he backed away and tried running from me! So I grabbed him by the shoulders and threw him at the wall and said why did you do that to me!? And I started crying and that's when the other two left, I decided to ask around people so there would be someone else there. But they left. Luckily my friend was behind me. No right behind me but in the same area. I had to ask more then once. Then he finally said it.. "I blacked out". I ran. I don't remember where but I was running. Eventually I ran into the big gym and fell at my friends. I told them everything while crying and some of them got up and went to go find them, and some stayed with me comforting me. They talked about how they always felt he was off. I'm so glad I had people there for me like that in that moment. They did find him and confronted him but I don't remember what happened, I know he was acting suspicious like nervous and ignoring/avoiding them. I miss having friends.