Why I killed myself

Dad

  I've never felt like you loved me. I know I make it hard sometimes but that's because of how you treated me first so I won't apologize for being me. You're always angry. Why. You have a beautiful wife and a nice house now. You have a car, a truck and a motorcycle. I know growing up you had it bad and that's why I have the respect I do for you but you chip it away everyday. I don't feel wanted. Oh hey at least you have a dad! No.. why would you say that, to invalid my feelings? He's so unkind and unfair to me. Why am I treated so different from my brother.. I tried to talk to you about how I felt and all you said was you didn't know what to say and that you do love me. My mom says you do bc why else would you help me get a car but.. I don't feel it. I don't feel love that way.. and honestly idk if I want to feel loved by you anymore it would feel wrong to me at this point. I wish I could disappear forever so you didn't have something to complain about for once. It always seems to be me that's your issue everyday when all I'm doing is existing. I can't just exist. Everyone has an issue with me. I can't help but notice and compare. It's always Devon do this do that why haven't you been cleaning Devon why is this house dirty Devon why does it smell Devon, Devon you dog Devon your flies Devon the yard Devon the kitchen Devon the living room Devon the bathroom Devon it stinks Devon you're home all day what have you been doing? I learned as a child whenever I hear a car outside to get up and act like I'm doing something to be yelled at less but I'm starting to not care anymore. You keep telling me I should move out or hint at it and obviously I want to.. you like to kick me when I'm down. My brother is older but yet you never say anything to him when he's dirty and doesn't clean... you're always nice to him. How are you going to get angry at me everyday? How could you be like that to your own daughter??? When I think having a little girl I would want to hug and protect her.. always be there when she needs someone. You never have been.