MAD LOVE

Chapter 10

Alana

"Alana," Dr. Spence said, "what method do you use to restore your emotional state after an outburst of inner anxiety?"

"I take the tablets prescribed by my doctor."

The answer was a little unsure, but it was understandable – I had not trusted the woman yet. It was only my second appointment with the doctor at the Harry Melz Psychiatric Hospital in New York City.

"Good," she continued, without taking her amber eyes off me. "Before we try to do an exercise that should help us extract your deepest, most intimate and strongest feelings, I would like to share a piece of advice, for your pills may not always be at hand.

"Sit down as comfortably as possible. Let nothing worry you. If you like, you can lie down or put your head on the table and close your eyes.

"Take a deep breath – very, very deep. Feel your lungs filling up with air. Imagine the air passing into your stomach. Push your stomach out as far as you can... Then breathe out... Take another breath... Imagine the air reaching the tips of your toes and relaxing them... Exhale... Then inhale so that the air reaches your ankles and calves, relaxing them... The next time you inhale, the air should reach your thighs and you should imagine that the air is relaxing your legs...

"Now watch your stomach. Is it tense? Having breathed in, imagine that the air is relaxing its muscles. Exhale... And let all the tension leave with the air... Keep using your breath to relax: back, neck, arms, shoulders, head...

"Take your deepest breath last, so that your whole body relaxes. Allow yourself to assess how you feel in the moment. Do you feel at peace?"

Sitting on the floor of my room with Jess, I remembered the expert advice from my psychologist, which had bailed me out repeatedly in difficult moments.

I can feel it... I can feel it, Dr. Spence... Thank you for partially bringing me back to life...

I did not know how long I have been sitting in total darkness, but the sudden bright light cut savagely across my eyes. The blonde kneeled, looking at my tear-stained face, and I could not even move after the nervous breakdown. Despite the late hour and her inebriated state, she was ready to make a colossal scandal of Norton for ruining the evening.

"He had nothing to do with it." I squeezed out the words in a hoarse voice, returning my neighbor to the seat next to me.

"Then what happened? You left the club alive, unlike the state I see now."

"I bumped into a girl on the way out and she reminded me of someone, even though we don't know each other. It's just paranoia from emotional excitement, never mind."

We sat in silence in our own minds. In analyzing the last words, I concluded that I really thought it was a very difficult evening: first the struggle within myself and the support of the girls, then the difficult performance, which was very stressful because I had never danced in front of a live audience, and finally Norton...

A slight chuckle attracted my attention, and then the full-fledged laughing of my friend. She turned her happy eyes to me and put a friendly hand on my knee.

"So you're the girl the guys were talking about, like some gossiping teenage girls," her laughter echoed across the room again, and I waited with a half-smile on my face for her to go on. "Mike was chatting with Alex about some girl he thought was crazy and blowing off a great guy. I had to admit, it pissed me off... Norton was always dragging him around..."

A doomed sigh put an end to my beliefs about this couple. I wondered why they were not together, since he had a soft spot for her, too. It is probably something personal, and I should mind my own business.