Sapienophobia

Chapter 9

I still have about three weeks left on my bounty. Do they think I'm not making enough progress?
Of course, she does. What have I actually accomplished?

I fidgeted to brace myself for whatever reality her words would dole out.

They make me nervous.
I'm sure it's not their intent.

I hoped that they would blame my shifting in the seat on the roughness of the chair.

"Your district is going to be rebuilt. It seems the queen herself has taken funds out of the royal treasury to put into the project," Vera said.

What's the point of rebuilding it if there are no people to live in it?

I opened my mouth to provide my opinion but hesitated. Vera tried to read my expression.

"The survivors..." they searched for the right words, "will be asked to come forward. They're going to be given reparations."

I didn't know what that word meant, but I did understand the context.

No way in hell. They just want to finish what they started.

"What about the knights who did it?"

Where are they?

"They... will be given a distancing order and a month's leave from their posts so that things can cool down."

So they won't be anywhere near that district or this one. That's good.

"Shin," Vera placed firm hands on both of my shoulders, "I know that this must be very frustrating. They've killed your family and friends, but they're only getting a vacation as punishment. But you can't feel bitter. It'll rot you. They are already riots and rebellions being incited a couple of provinces over."

I don't feel bitter, Vera. I'm afraid to. I worry that if I mix in anger along with my fear of humans, it'll also show in my actions. And that'll definitely get me killed.
I bet braver survivors would've been delighted to make those humans pay what they owe. People like that can become rebel leaders and martyrs. They can proudly call out the injustices of this world.
But not me. My fear exceeds all other inclinations that I might have.

"I'm fine, what do reparations mean?" I asked, embarrassed by my ignorance.

I should read more and expand my vocabulary so I at least don't sound stupid.

"It means they're going to give you stuff. Money, property, the like. It's like an apology."

An apology for traumatizing me. Humans are scary.

"Are you planning anything dangerous? If I'd been through what you have, it'd be my new dream to change the world," she scrutinized my face, looking for a hint of animosity.

I shook my head.

"'Be brave', they tell you. 'You can achieve your dreams if you act in spite of your fears,' they say. 'It's better to regret doing something than to regret not doing something.' All lies. Forget changing the world, I'm just trying to live in it. So hell no, Vera. I'm not planning anything, not payback anyway."

Escaping is how I fight. Putting me first is how I fight. A life that slipped through the crevices of their district-wide annihilation. I don't dare stop running now.
Yes, that makes me selfish. But I have room to be.

I frequently used the fact that I was a child as an excuse.

It's not that I tolerate the humans' actions, it's just that I can't and won't stand against them. Doing nothing doesn't mean I agree with what's being done.