I promise, Darling.

Chapter 2

Later this night I was laying in bed just staring at my ceiling. My thoughts seemed to go in circles, faster and faster the more I was trying not to think at all. I thought about how much I hated myself. About how everybody would be better off without me. How useless I was. How worthless. That I was just a waste of space and time. No one could possibly like me. They just pretended it, didn't they?

I really tried to shut up my mind, because there was still a little side of me left who knew that these thoughts were untrue. But I couldn't stop them until I finally decided to get out of bed again and just wander through the floors of our house. I felt the urge to cut but I didn't want to disappoint Loki again which is why I just tried to pinch myself so it would still hurt but didn't leave any new wounds and bruises. Not that it really mattered, my body was full of them anyway. But at least I wouldn't disappoint them again. Not after they cared so much about me and were just there.

Up to this day, I don't know how I ended up on the kitchen floor where Tony had found me a few hours later, I just remember what happened after.

"Hey, Kiddo, wake up. Come on, please wake up.", I heard a voice from very far away. I noticed someone shaking me though I couldn't quite figure out why.

"Shit, y/n, please, you have to wake up!" There was the voice again and it slowly dawned on me that he was the one shaking me to wake me up.

I tried to fight my way back to full consciousness and finally managed to open my eyes.

"Oh thank god.", Tony whispered as he noticed it and helped me to sit up.

"What happened?", I managed to ask as I had noticed where we were.

"I was about to ask you the same thing. But first of all, are you okay?", Tony asked and looked at me with worry in his eyes.

"Yeah, I think so.", I answered still a little confused about my current situation.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am fine, Tony."

"Okay. y/n, when was the last time you ate something?", Tony asked and eyed me suspiciously.

My heart sank as I realised that he knew, or at least suspected it. Still, I tried to talk my way out of it. "Yesterday. Dinner."

"y/n, you didn't eat with us yesterday. Not breakfast, lunch, or dinner."

"I had takeaway.", I mumbled and hoped it sounded somewhat believable.

"The whole day? Plus the two days before that?", Tony wanted to know.

"Uh, yeah.", I said but didn't dare to look at him.

"Y/n, I just want to help you. You were laying on the floor unconscious when I came downstairs. And I think maybe you passed out from not eating. Please, just be honest. I am not angry with you if that is what you fear. Nor is anyone else. I promise.", Tony said gently.

"I, uh, I-", I was lost for words. Again. I didn't want to admit it, because not eating made me feel in control. Seeing my weighed going down was one of the few things that made me happy for a few seconds and I needed that. Furthermore, if I would have told him I would be a failure, at least that was what my mind tried to convince me of.

"Kiddo, when was the last time you ate something?", Tony asked again.

I sighed and looked down at the floor. "Four days ago, I think. But I drank coffee with some sugar if that makes it any better."

"oh, y/n. You have to eat. It is necessary to live.", Tony whispered.

"I guess.", I said while my thoughts began spinning again.

"Why do you feel the need to starve yourself?", Tony asked quietly.

"Uh, I want to feel in control. Besides, who is going to love me when I am fat?" My voice was just a hoarse whisper.

"Oh, kid. Let me tell you some things, okay? First of all, we love you no matter how you look, because what truly matters are your personality and your behaviour, especially towards other people. Secondly, you have never been fat, it's the contrary really, you have been always skinny. And lastly, for now at least, I don't think you are in control. I think you're developing an eating disorder who is, or more likely you already developed it. Kiddo, you can't continue like this. You're destroying yourself.", Tony explained and carefully put an arm around my shoulders.

"How about I'll make breakfast for all of us and then we're going to talk about possible solutions, okay?"

"Tony, I am not hungry.", I protested but it wasn't too convincing.

"y/n, you have to eat something.", Tony glared at me and I gave in.

"Alright."

"I really just want you to be okay.", Tony added and smiled sadly, before he offered me a hand to stand up.

"Does Loki know about this?", he then proceeded to ask.

"Well, I haven't told them."

"Haven't told me what?", Loki asked emerging from behind the door.

"Uh- nothing important.", I replied a little too fast apparently because Loki frowned at me.

"y/n what is going on?"

"How about we talk about that after we have eaten something. I was just about to make breakfast for all of us.", Tony jumped in and for some reason, Loki agreed to that.

"Alright. Maybe that is a good idea, indeed.", they admitted and went on to help Tony while I was told to sit down.

I didn't wanted to do that but I really didn't had much of a choice now, did I? But while I waited all I could think about was that I didn't want to gain weight again and what a failure I was. And when Tony placed a plate with food in front of me it took me ages to finally finish it.