"You're my universe."
••••••
They were two completely different types of people during school. Max and Bryce just never connected. One was valedictorian and the other the star quarterback. It isn't until the summer before their first year of college...
I hopped onto my bike and peddled out of there. In the back of my mind, it kept telling me to go back. I felt a hint of guilt, leaving Max all alone in such a wonderful place.
I biked for minutes until I reached back home. The sun was barely out. The cricks of cricket and the humid air of summer gave off an uncomfortable feeling.
I entered inside and went straight to my room. I closed the door softly and laid on my bed.
I sighed.
What happened? Why did we kiss? Why did he kiss me? And why did I want more?
Am I gay?
No! I can't be. I've told myself for years I would never find another male attractive. Maybe I'm just craving human intimacy. I've only hung out with Max this summer. He's just a friend. That's all.
So why is that kiss still lingering on my lips?
And I leaned it! I wanted that kiss! Oh God! I've seen other men before. In the locker rooms, I would see half or sometimes fully naked teammates walking around. And not once was I ever turned on.
Did I like Max?
He's, in my eyes, perfect. He's smart, funny, sarcastic, and enjoyable to be around. He already has an upper hand on everyone else I hung out with. Plus, I can say that Max is really attractive, like holy heck! He's so cute.
But that doesn't make me gay!
Should I call Max? That's stupid. How do you kiss someone of the same sex and run away and leave them and then call them? That's barbaric. No. I can only imagine what Max must be going through right now.
It would be inhumane for me not to think about how this is all affecting him. Our kiss was out of the blue. I can remember when a few people would gossip about Max being gay. He never confirmed nor denied it. But I didn't care because it was none of my business.
But now, it kinda is. Afterall, WE KISSED!
Okay okay okay okay! I need to pause and think about this.
Did I like the kiss? Yes!
Did I want the kiss? Yes!
Am I glad Max was my first guy kiss? Yes!
Did I feel anything, good or bad, from the kiss? Yes!
Do I want to kiss him again?
YES!
...Woah. If there was a gay radar out there, that shit would be going berserk and poiting right at me with the words 'Gay AF' plastered in rainbow font.
I'm not sure if I am fully gay. I always found women attractive. Max is the first guy.
But do I really need a label?
I need more time to figure this out. Talk to someone else. Or think deeper about my feelings. Hell, I might even watch gay porn and see how it is and if it brings out any feelings.
So I laid in my bed, staring at my ceiling. And I thought about something
Max.
I thought about Max.
I tossed and turned in my sleep. It was a clash in my head. I felt a migraine coming on.
I'm sorry, Max. But I need time to figure out what the fuck just happened today.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
