Trial and Error (Spank-fic)

Chapter 17: New Kinda Pain

I didn't expect it at first.

The hug, I mean.

It was warm.

It felt like a hot drink on a cold winter night.

It felt like blankets wrapped around to keep the breeze out.

It felt familiar, a feeling you can't quite place but still feels as much a part of you as the skin on your bones.

It felt like home.

After what feels like a lifetime, Nick's grip loosens, his arms slowly extracting themselves from my side.

I don't look up at him, too afraid of what I'll see. He sighs, his chest heaving, his hand coming to my chin, "Look at me, Jules."

I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak. He's mad, I can feel it, just from the way his hands are clenched and the way his breathing is hard. He's mad, mad.

"Julia Adler."

I almost snap my neck up at the sound of my- his last name. Almost. It steals my breath away. Slowly, I crane my neck towards him, and boy am I wrong.

He's not mad. Nick is livid.

There's anger written across his features, and dark swirls of it drowning in his eyes. His lips are pressed together, and his nostrils flare with every passing breath.

"I'm sor-"

"Julia Adler, don't you dare lie to my face right now," he booms.

I flinch, momentarily stunned by his voice. I have never, ever, seen Nick this mad. He steps toward me, and I flinch again, out of fear or maybe out of experience.

Angry foster parent, and a shiny belt. It doesn't take a genius to guess what comes next.

But then, Nick suddenly stops, registering the hurt and fear on my face. His eyes soften, just for a moment, before he rubs his hand over his face- a signature move.

"Nick, listen, I said I'm-"

"Get in the car." He cuts me off, not bothering to listen to my words.

I'm a shitty person. I'm selfish, arrogant, and completely self-absorbed. I've come to terms with that fact a long time ago. But to see the same thoughts mirrored in Nick's eyes is something else. After welcoming me into his house- his home, and providing for my every comfort, all I did was hurt him. I don't deserve this life. I don't deserve him at all.

I want to cry.

I want to scream.

I want Nick to look at me.

"Nick, please, I'm sor-"

He slams the car door shut, already inside. My lip begins to quiver as I stand outside the door. I'm alone, and for a quick moment, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the car window, my shivering figure standing alone in the cold.

I've hurt him. The thought hits me like a bucket of ice water.

I've hurt Nick.

I almost let my tears fall, but then I realize how selfish that is- crying when you're not even the one hurt.

So, in turn, I stay silent. I open the car door to the backseat and get in.

He doesn't speak or acknowledge my presence, but simply grips the wheel and begins to drive. Blankets of thick, dark, night fly past us as Nick drives. But before I know it, he's already pulling into the driveway and the car halts to a screeching stop.