Beyond Grief

Chapter Four

Tauriel stared at the cheerily painted wall of the kind people's house she had been staying in for a couple of weeks. Her body was back to normal now, except for some fresh scars and a clicking sound when she rotated her right wrist. She had been making herself useful around the house here and there, and was finding that her grief was finally not as constant. Only when a memory arose, the picture of his face coming in her mind, or a small thing that reminded her of him as she went about her day. But if she didn't think of Kili, Tauriel had found that she could survive everyday moments again.

But just because she didn't spend her whole day weeping or unconscious anymore, the joy had certainly not returned to the elven woman's eyes. Home. She thought of this word almost constantly now. Her parents had died so long ago, leaving her alone, homeless, and sibling-less. She had found shelter here and there in the Elven community growing up, and eventually found that she excelled as a soldier. While she was good at that endeavor, she never loved having the talent. Sure, like most of her race she admired the beauty and elegance of a perfectly keen elvish bow or sword, but military life had never sparked her inner fire. It was a place to be, and a life to have. It meant that she could stop depending on others to raise her, and it was something that she could be proud of and use to help her people. But even with a place among her people, Tauriel had still felt alone deep down in her heart. It had briefly intrigued her when the king's son Legolas had taken to her so strongly. However, she found that he also kindled nothing inside of her expect for polite companionship. In fact, after a while the Elven Prince's affections became downright annoying, especially when it put her on the King's bad side. Thalaundril made it very clear that they would never be together. Everyone except for Legolas accepted this, who seemed to follow her like a lost puppy. She had always been kind to him, but she wished that he would have taken the hint. But even as she exiled herself to chase her Kili, Legolas had still followed. And now, her chase had come to a tragic end, and the only place that she even could have considered her home she was banned from ever returning to. Home. She wanted to go home. But she had never had a home to go back to him.

As Tauriel scrubbed the breakfast dishes, unsettling thoughts rumbling in the background of her mind, she thought of Legolas for the first time since Kili's death. Thinking of him puzzled her. It seemed to her that the loss of her true love and her ensuing weary state would have been a perfect situation for him to take advantage of. If he had been there, would she have looked to him for comfort? She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head violently, purging the idea of her seeking solace in intimacy with Legolas. Enraged and ashamed, as if having this very thought had been a deep betrayal of Kili, Tauriel had to restrain herself from throwing the dishes against the wall. She stopped and tried to breathe deeply, forgetting the chore for a moment. After a few steadying breaths, she started repeating the only thought that had been able to calm her recently. It was the thought that had first gotten her out of bed for more than a few minutes.

The mantra had occurred to her in the middle of the night one night, when she was feeling particularly desperate and hopeless. In her despair, she imagined Kili being here, and being alive. She imagined him crawling in the bed next to her and wrapping her in his arms. She imagined his warmth and his smell, and his smile. ..oh Gods...his heartbreaking smile. She imagined him there with her as vividly as she could, and she tried to think of what he would say. She couldn't help but feel ridiculous, loving someone so deeply that she so barely had actually known. And yet she did. She loved him more than she had ever loved anything or anyone. More than it seemed any living being had a right to love. And even though she hadn't known him in this life, she felt as if they were of the same soul. She felt like if they had had more of a chance to speak, nothing that he could have said would have surprised her. It was like needing to speak to love and understand one another was not relevant for them. They just needed to be with one another. Gods! How could she miss someone so much that she had never truly known! Deciding to abandon this miserable train of thought, Tauriel returned to her imaginings of Kili being with her now, in the flesh. She imagined him there with one arm around her, and the other running his fingers through her long hair. And she imagined his lips next to her ear, whispering something that would finally bring her comfort.

What would he say? What would he know to say to me to calm my shattered heart? - Tauriel thought determinedly to herself.

And then she heard him. And in that voiced that pierced to her very center, he whispered to her, "I would tell you to keep living. To keep being the woman that I love. To not let her die along with me."