Sweet Relief

I'm Not Asking

Olivia lays on an exam table, a arm tucked behind her head as her eyes stay glued to the ultrasound screen in front of her. She bites her lip to keep from crying as she watches her tiny baby move on the screen. She feels such immense guilt for wishing that she'd never gotten pregnant.

After weeks of hoping this was some sick mistake, she had finally worked up the courage to make a doctors appointment.

She had also been hoping that Elliot might be back. The last thing she wanted was to do this by herself again.. But as the weeks drug on she knew she couldn't put it off anymore. She's had a bad feeling ever since she found out about the baby, and she'd been dreading the appointment. Olivia knows herself to be a lot of things, and strong is definitely one of them. But she also knows her limits. And finding out there's something wrong with their baby while Elliot is away would push her over the edge completely.

The doctor pulls the wand away from her stomach and hands her a towel to wipe the gel off. She sits up a little bit, bracing herself for bad news.

"You're both healthy, Olivia. Right on track for eleven weeks." She says with a kind smile.

"Both of us?" She repeats in disbelief, "The baby's healthy?

"Your uterus looks great, baby's the right size and the heartbeat was strong, all indicators of good health." She says, "I want to do an amniocentesis in about month to confirm, but I don't have any concerns."

Olivia feels herself take a deep breath for the first time in weeks. She had all but convinced herself that she was going to have a miscarriage, or that if she didn't there was sure to be something wrong. Between that and Elliot's absence, she hasn't had a moment where she's been able to think positively about the idea of of a new baby. The prospect that everything is more than likely okay is enough to make her dizzy.

She's spent week preparing herself for the possibility of losing a baby she hadn't wanted in the first place all by herself. She hadn't stopped to think that at the end of all of this she might actually bring a healthy baby into the world. 

"You doing okay?" The doctor asks gently.

Olivia nods her head. "Just surprised. I guess I'm still trying to process it. Almost doesn't feel real." Olivia spins her ring around her finger, doing her best to draw in steady breaths.

The doctor pauses for a moment, trying to gauge what exactly Olivia's reaction means. The two women have known each other a long time, through a lot of stages of life and she knows that a second child was not part of Olivia's life plan, let alone a third. "Have you given consideration to all of your options here, Olivia?" She asks carefully.

"Karen, I could never--" Olivia starts.

"I'm not passing judgment, Olivia." She says gently, resting a reassuring hand on her knee, "Last time you thought you were pregnant you asked some.. very pointed questions about termination. I want you to know that's still a choice, and I wouldn't judge you for it, no one would. It's been quite awhile, you're older and you've adopted Noah, you've got a lot on your plate."

"I'm surprised, not upset." Olivia says, grateful that the words ring true as she says them. "Last time.. Last time wasn't with the right person."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Olivia." She says kindly.

Her doctor prints off the ultrasound pictures and hands them to her. As she looks at all the images of her baby, it knocks the wind out of her. Hearing their baby's heartbeat and seeing them move on the monitor made what had felt like a dream, feel unbearably real. There's a sizable lump in her throat as she stares at the pictures, unable to think about what comes next.