My diary

Why am I like this?

21.November 2021:,

Not again.
This bad feeling.
Its here again.
Why cant I just be like everyone else? Why do I get this feeling, everytime someone gets close to me? I found a new friend, she is gorgeous. She is all I ever wanted. But why do I get this feeling then? Why do I feel like I dont want this and I feel a knife in my heart. But it stays there, until I change something. Is this normal? Am I normal? Or am I just a 14 year old girl, who isnt ready for a relationship? The history is repeating itself and I dont want this, but I cant do anything against it. Everytime I thought about her, when I didnt have a chance I was fine. But now, I have a chance and I am getting this feeling again. Suddenly I only want to stay friends, suddenly I hope she doesnt like me more than friends. But at the same time, I enjoy it to talk to her, to laugh with her. But I always have that bad feeling in my heart. I had this feeling now twice in my life. The first time was two years ago. I liked a boy, we spend a lot time together, we were in love. He liked me back too! He asked me to be his girlfriend, what joy I felt. But the night after, I had this feeling. I couldnt resist it. I broke up with him after 14 hours. I felt so bad, I couldnt sleep. So I broke up. I still feel bad for him, but he has a new girlfriend, I am very happy for them! I am sorry, if I broke his heart. But I didnt want to break mine. And now the same is happening, but I get this feeling now, we arent in a relationship or anything, I am just scared that she likes me more than a friend. Is it because I am not ready for a relationship, for my first romance? Or because I just cant get in a relationship. I dont want to hurt her, I dont want to hurt anyone. Not me also. What should I do?
I am so scared.
I dont want this.