dull - Byler

-1-

 MIKE POV

     I laid in bed- watching as the minutes slowly passed, and became the whole night. not  moving, barely moving my glare from the clock. rain fell quietly, and slowly died down. I'm well aware I have school in the morning- but that's the last thing on my mind. But, nothing is really on my mind. I'm just laying down, watching my clock. just like every night, time blended together and before I knew it, I was called downstairs by Nance.

      I didn't bother yelling back. I turned my lamp on and looked around, tons of bloody tissues all over my room. after sitting up, I made my way into my bathroom, collapsing on the floor. my whole body aches. laying my face down on the floor, the tiles cold on my face. I don't know what I'm doing, but I must have spaced out because soon Nance is knocking on my bathroom door.

    "Mike c'mon!! do you want me to take you to school or not?"

      I zoned back in, getting off the floor slowly, I opened the door. Nance glared at me, and then shoved my bag in my hands, and left. everyone seems to be getting aggravated with me, I don't blame them.

      behind Nance, I leave through the front door. instantly, the cool fall air hits me in my face. I watch the clouds in the sky,  moving slowly, as well as the trees swaying in the wind. fall used to be my favorite season. I guess it still is, I just haven't had the chance to enjoy it.

      once we get in her car, Nancy drives without saying a word. no one wants to talk to me, and no one ever does. maybe its because I'm pulling away, I'm not sure.

    after what seems like an hour of looking out the window, watching the outside, I've made my way to school. I quickly get out after I've spotted the group I make way to them, leaves crunching under my shoes as I walk slowly.

    careful not to interrupt their morning conversation that I'm never included in, I creep behind will, who seems to be talking with the rest of the group about what movie they're going to see. I suppose everyone's going to the movies, seeing as it is Friday.

    right as I plant my feet to the ground, will turns around.

   "hey mike! are you gonna come to the movies?"

     not knowing what to say, because I'm usually never talked to, I manage to respond.

    "oh uh.. yeah..!" Will nods at my respond, and turns back to the group. for the rest of the conversation I am silent, as normal. but when the bell rings, causing me to jump, i catch will staring at me. but when our eyes meet he very quickly turns back to the group.

     I'm walking with everyone when I suddenly notice their mutual disappointment, and listen in on their conversation.

     "why do we have to have a test every! single! Friday!?" Lucas yells, complaining about our biology test. biology is the only class the entire party has, before we split up.

     and as the entire group walks into a classroom labeled "biology 101" I stay behind, watching as the hallways empty and grow silent, and then I make my way to the bathroom. this seems to become a routine, skipping classes to "use the bathroom"

    as much as I wish I could break the Patten, the pattern of "lay in bed, go to school, go home, repeat" I can't, no matter how hard I try.

   the bathroom door slams behind me, breaking the silence. and alike the bathroom door, the stall slams right before I collapse to the ground, holding back tears.

   the air conditioning in the background creates a peaceful ambiance, but my mind is far from peaceful. all I can think-

   what is wrong with me? I can't do this much longer. I can't. I can't. 

   I think I'm going crazy. I know I'm spiraling, and it feels like the worst part is that I cant do anything about it. but that's wrong, the worst part is how I feel about will. I need him, more than ever. and yet, I don't talk to him. I'm so, so stupid. and I'm also stupid for loving him.

   I rip the bandages off my wrists, revealing my entire arm laced with red lines. desperately, I search my bag for a razor blade. and when I find one, I let go of a breath I didn't know I was holding.

   looking at my arm, a sense of regret fills me, seeing what I do to myself. but then again, I deserve this. so I bring the razor up to my wrist.

   I make line after line. I watch the white line fill up with red, and slowly my whole hand and wrist is covered in my own blood.

    I don't know how long I stay in the bathroom, all I know is that seeing my blood filled me with the peace I needed.

844 words