athena

page ten

mamma died because of her job. she was trying to save people, and she died while doing so. it's one of the reasons why i hate pappa so much.

the shooter had a beretta m9, and he shot mamma in the stomach. it took thirty minutes for her team to notice that she was gone. add another ten minutes to get her to the hospital, and it was far too late then. the last thing she said to me that day was that she was so proud of me. and that i'll forever be min lilla ängel.

when we got to the hospital, the doctor confirmed that she was gone. and that's when it all started. the colors started fading, my ears were ringing, my body was shaking. and i broke.

when the doctor told me i could say goodbye, i hesitated. i didn't know if i could let her go yet. i didn't want it to be real. and i wished and wished and wished that it was alk a dream. but when i saw her attached to the monitors, i knew i wouldn't get her back any time soon.

her blonde hair was still in a ponytail, and her face looked somewhat the same, just very pale. she was wearing a gown from the hospital, and she looked really cold. her hands felt frozen when i touched them.

i broke down then. i felt so many emotions. anger, sadness, regret, anxiety. i asked the doctor if they could take the wires and monitors away, and he did just that.

i don't know where pappa was when i was with mamma. but i was alone with her, and i liked it. i climbed into the bed and layed right beside her. she still smelled like mamma, and she still looked like her.

when i was three, mamma told me she wore a necklace for me because i was her lucky charm. i looked at the necklace. it was a gold chain with a long bar. i touched it and read the words engraved on it.

Athena. 2006. min baby.

i carefully took the necklace off of her and put it on me. i was her lucky charm, and she has always been mine. i get off the bed, remembering mamma's claustrophobia, and i fix the blanket on her. that's when i started talking to her.

"hej mamma. jag är inte säker på om du kan höra mig men jag hoppas verkligen att du kan." i took a deep breath as my tears flow.

"jag älskar dig och jag är inte arg på dig för att du lämnade. du är fortfarande min favoritperson och kommer alltid att vara det. tack för allt du har gjort för mig." and i sob even louder.

i look at her face and smile. i hold on to her even tighter and i kiss her cheek. i knew she was dead, and i knew she couldn't hear me. but i felt like she was there, maybe her spirit. it was like she was giving me a hug and kissing my head.

i heard her say she loved me even though it was in my head. i hope she knew how much i loved her. i hope she knew how much it hurt seeing her this way.

"jag älskar dig, mamma." i whisper.

i cry even more. it truly felt like she was in the room at the time. before, i used to wonder how people could hug and kiss their loved ones lifeless bodies. i used to think it was gross, kissing a corpse. and now i finally understand why.

i was letting the most important person go. this would be the last time i ever saw her. it would be the last time i connected to her. and i made sure to make the most of it. i talked to her about my favourite memories with her, and i told her i'd make her proud.

her funeral was three days later, and i don't remember crying then. i think i cried too much at that point. i looked at pappa and hugged him. he hugged me back and told me everything would be okay.

i put mamma's favourite sweater in her casket, her badge, and a bracelet we made together. it had c + a, which meant clara and athena. when it was time, i watched as they brought her casket down.

i think that's when it actually hit me. that she was gone, and that id never see her again. i watch as our family cry, and seeing my mormor in so much pain hurt me.

"var försiktig med henne, snälla." i tell them. "hon hatar små utrymmen."

then i walked over to my grandma and hugged her tightly. we were both crying, and it was like i felt her pain too. we both lost an important person.

"det är okej, älskling." she told me. "hon är på ett bättre ställe nu."

and i cry harder. i felt like mamma was in our hug too. i was shaking, and i felt lightheaded. mormor kept telling me that everything would be okay. she told me to be always be happy, since that's what mamma would've wanted. i told her i loved her a lot.

when everyone left, pappa and i stayed. we made sure her grave looked pretty, and surrounded it with her favorite flowers. i rested my head on pappa's shoulders as he held my hand.

that was the last time i ever saw mamma.