everything about you | eddie munson

38.

Billy's letter to Cassie

   Cassie, if you're reading this letter, I'm probably not alive right now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't tell you to your face everything I'm about to write. I remember the first time I saw you, it was in the parking lot of the high school, it was my first day at Hawkins and I almost drove you over, I remember you calling me an asshole and showing me your middle finger. I liked you right away, it might sound weird because you had literally insulted all my ancestors but I still liked you because you gave off something.

   So I did everything I could to find you for almost two months until I ran into you at that Halloween party. You were with Nancy and Steve. I remember spending most of the Halloween party with you, dressed as Leia Organa. The next few days in high school when I finally found out who you were I was on cloud nine. I would see you walking down the halls with Steve and Robin.

    Then one night after school I offered you a ride home and I think it was that night that really brought us together. After that we spent all our time together, you were my confidant, my guardian angel. You were my best friend. And I wish you were more. I knew you loved me more than a friend, I could see that. But I was afraid, afraid of disappointing you or hurting you.

    I also know you fell first, but i fell harder. I realized that I loved you during the summer holidays in '83. But I think I've always loved you, I've loved you since the first day in the parking lot.

    Everything has been so different for the last few days, I feel like I'm not grounded anymore, I hear voices and see things. I feel strange. And I know I'll succumb to it. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of losing all my memories with you. I'm afraid I won't remember you, and I'm afraid you'll forget me. Please forgive me.

- Billy.

I could see a few tears falling on the letter, dampening it slightly. I folded the piece of paper before wiping my tears and looking up at the ceiling of my room. I was mad at him for not telling me how he felt when he was still alive because now I regretted it. I missed Billy. Max was right, he loved me.

But maybe that was my fault too? I sighed loudly wiping away my tears a second time. I felt like all those long months of trying to grieve had been for nothing. I was angry at myself for not having read that letter sooner. I just wish I could tell him everything that's in my heart. That things have only gotten worse since he left. Since they left.

I put the letter back in my drawer before lying down in bed and trying to fall back asleep.

———

I was in the cafeteria, Eddie had told me yesterday that I should go eat with him at the Hell Fire Club. There were Mike and Dustin and three of Eddie's friends there. I took a long, deep breath before walking over to the table.

There was an open space on the bench between Bako and Eddie who was sitting at the end of the table. I then set my tray down making Mike and Dustin look up at me with confused eyes.

"What are you doing here? Did you come to give Eddie a tape of romantic music again? Dustin said.

- Shut up... Do we have to remind you about the concert you did with your girlfriend last year?" I say.

Mike looks at me and laughs. I quickly raise my eyebrows. And we had been thinking the same thing.

"Turn around... Look at what you see..." Mike and I had started to sing along.

Dustin rolls his eyes before putting his hand over Mike's mouth. I then feel Eddie's confused look come over us. He speaks up.

"What are you talking about?" He asks.

I rest my gaze on Dustin who was begging me not to say anything. I could throw out that he literally sang the Never Ending Story song to us, but I wouldn't, because I'm a good friend.

"Oh nothing..." I say.

Dustin takes his hand away from Mike's mouth, looking reassured. I quickly wave to Eddie's friends before turning to my boyfriend. He smiles tenderly at me.

"How are you doing?

- I'm fine." He says.

I smile softly before I see his gaze drop to my lips. He brings it up to my eyes as if to ask my permission. I smile wryly then bring my face close to his and place a quick kiss on his lips. I move back after a few moments. I immediately hear Dustin and Mike take offense. He widens his eyes.

"Wait what? Mike did you see the same thing I did?" Dustin asks.

I turn to the two friends before Mike speaks up, mouth agape.

"Did we miss an episode there?

- A whole season you mean!" Says Dustin.

Eddie stifles a laugh. It was funny to see them shocked. Eddie's friends didn't seem surprised. It was as if they already knew. I grab my fork and dig into the potatoes before Dustin speaks up.

"I don't believe it, so it's true that opposites attract?

- It seems so." I say.

Dustin and Mike start laughing before Mike speaks up.

"You little rascals..."

I frown. I immediately notice that Lucas wasn't there, creating a sort of void on the table. He is usually always there, with his friends. I then put my fork down before speaking up.

"Lucas is not eating with you?

- No, he's at the basketball table..." Mike said, rolling his eyes.

I then turn around before seeing that indeed, Lucas was eating with them. I feel like he's moving away from the boys. But on the one hand I understand, they are growing up and starting to have new interests. I can't blame him and neither can Mike and Dustin.

"Should I drop you off at work tonight? Eddie suddenly asks.

- Oh, uh... No, don't bother I have to stop by the cemetery to water the flowers on my mom's grave." I say.

I had actually been there not long ago. I'm going back tonight to see Billy. I had to go talk to him after I read the letter. Whether he hears me or not.