Dysfunctional daydreams

Whirlpool.

Emotions weren't really my thing, but then again nothing ever was.I remember being in elementary school trying to push myself far far away from the rest of the world because i didn't feel like i had anything in common with anyone, i didn't want to. My fear of people went with me all the way into high school and eventually i had a fear of emotion. I didn't feel anymore then your normal depressed anxiety stricken teenager did. But now i felt like i was sucked into a whirlpool i couldn't escape, just a mash of mixed emotions i'd never get away from. I wanted to get out of it but no matter how much help i screamed for no one was coming. I was born alone and i was ready to die alone it was just the facts of life. School started at 9 but i always got their at 8. Sure it was weird and i could have slept for more then 4 hours but i didn't. Any excuse to be alone was my heaven and i took it without question. My favorite spot was around the trash cans where we all went to smoke, obviously it was so i could smoke with out being seen by the smoking nazi's and teachers. In my morning hazed mind i heard bits and pieces of conversations around me, a lot of people had the same idea come early, hang out with friends, do anything you could within that hour to rebel and feel like you had some strand of freedom before you were forced into a educational prison. Dragging out my second cigarette that morning i stood on the other side away from everyone most of them i couldn't stand. 

"Hey gotta smoke?" I let my eyes drift off to the side and much to my surprise it was her. I let the cigarette hang between my lips as i reached into my pocket and handed her the least mangled one. 

"Thanks." she took it and searched her pockets for a light, when she didn't fine one i handed my lighter to her and when she looked at me confused i just nodded at it and she realized what i was doing. I took in a deep breath and dragged the smoke into my lungs waiting for it to absorb into the cells and burn my throat till i finally let go of my greedy ways and let it out. She took a drag and let her back lean against the trash can letting her arm drop to her side her jean jacket sleeve rolling down her arm some. I tried not to stare but it was hard, even her outfits were art. Jean jacket, red arctic monkeys shirt tucked into her short jean shorts, under them transparent leggings, tucked into her combat boots. I turned away and threw the cigarette down stepping on it, taking out a piece of gum and popping it in my mouth to get rid of the god awful smell. Her cool blue eyes never left me, i didn't see it but i could feel it. 

"Abel?" i looked at her, my jaw moving slightly, adjusting my backbag on my shoulder. She looked panicky for a moment, looking down at her hand, then her shoes, then back up to me. She paused shifted and looked back at me.

"Thanks for the smoke." I nodded and walked away. I wanted to say something so bad ask her to hang out, take her to coffee, listen to her talk for ages but the social anxiety told me no. If i opened my mouth it would feel like a bear trap and i'd end up looking like an idiot and panicked. Despise me drowning the that whirlpool i walked away getting to my first class of the day.