Saddle up

Chapter Thirty-Five : Us

"I need to tell you something," she whispered softly, her voice barely audible against my shoulder. She didn't want to meet my eyes.

For a split second, I thought it might be about Cole—something to do with him, something bad. A wave of dread washed over me as I braced for the worst.

She exhaled shakily, as if the words were stuck in her chest. "A month after... everything went down, I started feeling off. I thought it was just stress, but I scheduled a visit with my doctor anyway. And... well, I found out I was pregnant."

I froze, her words hanging in the air, heavy and thick.

"What?? Pregnant? How?" I stammered, my pulse quickening. My heart was pounding in my chest, panic flooding me.

She bit her lip, avoiding my gaze. "My birth control failed... My OB said it might have been stress, that it was a perfect storm of factors."

"Wait..." I ran a hand through my hair, trying to process it. "Okay, but... what happened to the baby? Who... who was the father?" My voice cracked slightly, unsure if I was ready to hear the answer.

She hesitated, her voice barely above a whisper. "The doctor couldn't say for sure. The timing was just... too close to tell."

I blinked, stunned. "What do you mean? You and I—"

"Exactly," she cut me off gently. "The dates were too close. Neither of you could be ruled out for sure." Her voice trembled as she continued, "I... I was planning on telling both of you. I was, I swear. But the night before I was going to, I woke up bleeding. I rushed to the ER, and... it was a miscarriage."

The air thickened. My throat tightened, a lump forming as I tried to process her words.

"Jess... Jesus, you went through all of this alone?" I asked, my voice strained with disbelief.

She nodded slowly, wiping her eyes as fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. "Yeah. I couldn't bring myself to involve either of you. I felt ashamed. I didn't know what to say or how to explain it. At first, when I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. But when I lost the baby, I... I didn't expect to feel so empty. Like I had lost something I never even really got to know."

My chest tightened with a mix of heartbreak and guilt. I gently cupped her face in my hands, tilting her head up to meet my gaze. "You should've called me. You shouldn't have gone through that alone, Jess. I would have been there. No matter what."

She looked at me, eyes filled with sorrow. "I just didn't know how to involve you both when I couldn't even figure out who the father was. It felt unfair to drag either of you into it. And... honestly, it felt like some kind of punishment. Like karma for everything... for the way I had been before...for being so promiscuous."

I shook my head in disbelief, my voice low but firm. "Promiscuous? Jess, you were with one person for years before we... Before we were anything. You're not promiscuous." The words hit me harder than I realized. "And I would've been there for you. I *am* here for you now. It breaks my heart to think you went through all of that in silence, carrying that alone."

A heavy silence hung between us, and for a moment, I allowed myself to imagine what could have been—a little life, a little piece of us together. The thought of her carrying my child had never crossed my mind, but now... the idea was all I could think about. If she had carried to term... I couldn't deny how much I would have wanted that life with her.

I took a deep breath, my voice barely a whisper. "So... we might have a child... in heaven, right now?"

She nodded slowly, her tears staining her cheeks. "Yeah... I guess we do."