Along came Avery

4 0 . p o i n t f i n g e r s

Prepare for the paragraphs :)

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I see him, running as he skillfully kicks the ball towards the soccer net. He dodges people, passes to his players before he kicks to the net, scorings perfectly.

"Avery!" I call out his name, loud enough for him to hear with trump distance between us. He does hear me; at first he glances over the direction he hears his name, and then turns back to the net. Then, when I call him again, he perhaps says something to the goal keeper, who then nods his head and they both head towards the side lines, almost exactly where I am.

He sees me, eyes watching me momentarily before he lowers his head as he approaches me. His hair, as far as I can see, is soaked towards the ends with sweat, along with his grey short sleeve shirt, paired with some joggers. Even despite how good he looks, it doesn't shallow down the anger in me. It doesn't reduce the frustration, the heartache.

Without a second thought, I turn around and start walking towards the student parking lot, a good distance away from intrusive ears. My arms are tightly crossed over my chest, which feels expressly tight.

I knew he'd be at the soccer trials; mostly because Amber once told him to try out and he actually agreed despite me knowing he doesn't exactly like playing soccer. I don't even plan on staying long; after confronting him finally, truthfully, I'm leaving. I don't care about the afternoon sessions. I don't even care to stay another moment but I need to do this once and for all. I've shed enough tears, at least I feel like I did, so now I can think straight and get this over with.

When we're a good enough distance, I turn around and watch Avery make his last steps towards me before stopping close. His eyes blink up at me, and he too doesn't look in quite a mood to exchange harsh words.

It doesn't matter. I've heard all he had to say since the day I first saw him. It's time he hears from me, this time around.

"This better be good—"

"Shut up and listen." He tilts his head at my hard words. "Ever since you came, I have been nothing but submissive because I felt I needed to. I felt I had no rights because I did something so inhumane. I felt so guilty and I ran away. Partially because I didn't have a choice in where my parents wanted to move, but I took that as an opportunity run away and try start again. Afresh. I wasn't going to allow the past to haunt me but you know what?" He doesn't answer. "It did. It really did. For five years, I sat with the biggest guilt of my life. I've never felt like— suicidal and these five years showed me what it means to be suicidal. What it means to have no hope or reason to live. It showed me what killing another human being can do to you mentally."

"Okay?"

"Listen to me, Avery." I hiss. "You're not the only one that went through things. Really, thank you for taking the fall for me. Thank you for not saying anything. I can't explain how much I appreciate it, but this torture and humilat— humiliation and embarrassment you put me through since you came? It ends here. I've stopped eating. I lost so much weight. I went on pills to maintain my health. I failed so many times with so many subjects, I was close to repeating two different school years, twice! Sure I didn't have it as bad as you but I suffered too, Avery. I was the one who thought I killed Michaela, not you. I was the one who watched her take her last breath. I was the one who promised her, right then and there, that I would make sure you're safe. You're alive. You're— you're breathing. That you're okay. I did a pretty bad job at it, I can admit, but I made that promise. So if you think I never had some sort of guilt from that night, you're mistaken."

"Where is all of this coming from, Zinhle? At a soccer try-outs, you want to confess your feelings?"

"I said, shut up and listen to me, Avery. It's my turn to tell you how I feel. What happened that night. Remember how you begged me to tell you?" I tilt my head. "I'll tell you. That day, I was supposed to meet with her. We were supposed to hang out for the last time before I moved the next day. She avoided me the whole day and I couldn't find out why. I thought... oh, and I got so upset because I thought she was with you. I thought the last day I would see my best friend for a while, she was spending it with you instead. So when I went to her house that night to confront her. To cry to her. To tell her how much she hurt me, she hurt my feelings. How much I hated you, Avery, and how much I wished you were dead. I cannot even deny it, a huge part of me wished it was you that night but now? Now I wish it was me. With my whole life, I wish it was me."