Along came Avery

4 7 . r e s t o r i n g u n i t y

"I'm a bad friend." I start, fidgeting with my fingers before chuckling. "I'm a horrible friend, most of the time. I... I tend to care a lot about my well being more than others, and when I do take care of people around me, I tend to do a horrible job. It's all about me, and sometimes I don't realize it, and many times I allow it to be exactly that. I'm... I'm such a people pleaser. I can't say no. I'm scared to hurt people's feelings and even still, I end up hurting people. I please people, I kiss their butts so much, that at the end, I still end up hurting people. It's like all I do is hurt people."

I inhale through my nose — the one side since the other has been blocked since this morning — before rubbing my hands against my thighs. I've made the decision to speak out. To clear the air. To be a peacemaker, and not often does it go right for people. But here I am.

Avery wasn't impressed with the idea but he also didn't fight against it too much to change my mind.

I lift my eyes to each of them. Kat and David, who sit right against each other. They both hold neutral expressions, absorbing my body language and words of choice. Nathaniel and his twin, Nathan. Both aren't looking at me. Both are glanced towards the ground, both with arms folded over their chest. Qailah, a small smile of encouragement on her face and her hand lingering on Nathan's thigh. She simply nods her head.

Amber, who is leaned against the cement table with arms crossed and an eyebrow raised. I don't let her affect me. I refuse to be on her level.

"I let my past dictate how I would treat people. I had amazing friends with an amazing best friend. She got addicted to drugs and soon, she overdosed. I tried to save her by stabbing antidote in her which was so stupid of me, and at that time I thought I made it worse because in real life, I didn't know what it was, I just assumed. She died; her mother told me it was because of the drugs, and that indeed I tried to save her. I'm not a murderer, but for the longest time I thought I was which is why I suffered and in turn, people did too for my poor actions. I..."

It's worth it. Speaking the truth. It's worth speaking to my friends. They are my friends and friends are honest with each other. I have to be honest with them, even if I decide not to be friends with them after this.

"I ruined Avery's life. He took the fall for me when he shouldn't have, but he kept the promise with my best friend Michaela who also happened to be his girlfriend. No, Avery and I never dated. It was a facade, but in reality... he was hurt. He was hurting badly deep inside because he thought... we both thought I did something so inhumane. Worst part, I didn't tell you guys. I didn't tell you because I was scared. Because I felt I couldn't trust you guys enough with a secret so deep. I thought you guys would have judged me... Ahm, ran from me like you guys did. But I realized something."

Now both Nate and Nathan lift their eyes to me at my words.

"I realized that not once did you guys judge me. When I cut down food, you guys never judged me, you uplifted me by lowkey taking care of me. The days when I was out of energy I could not do anything. You guys made sure I was well. You guys constantly cared for me, call me. You're so inclusive. You see me and you all approach me with heartwarming...ness? It's not a word." Both Qailah and Kat chuckle at me, leaving Nate to grin. Amber rolls her eyes but I pay not much attention to it. "You guys care. As much as I should have thought and seen that you guys wouldn't have treated me differently, but encouraged and motivated me, I took that as something that made me think the opposite. Because of all of that, you would have completely treated me differently and... I love you guys. Whether we remains to be friends or not, I do. I, of course, need time to process things and figure it all out."

"We love you too." Qailah gives in to my speech by standing up and rushes to me, pulling me in a tight embrace before whining in my ear. I laugh, my face hidden in her rich Indian dark locks with tears threatening to make an appearance. "Oh my word, I'm so glad you spoke up." She pulls away and pouts, her eyes wide and bottom lip jutted. "I mean yeah, death is crazy, and like of course it was a whole lot to process you murdered a person, only to find out you actually didn't. Whatever, the point is, we're with you. We live together and we kill together, although... let's not kill anyone."