My Favorite Pouge // JJ MAYBANKS

~ SEVEN // Roomy ~

"Really? I don't think I've gone a day without getting fucked up this summer guys." pope complained after the rest of the group mentioned going to a party later on.

After those words came out of his mouth, I felt sick to my stomach. I actually haven't gone a day in forever without getting fucked up. Guilt was crawling up my skin. I wanted to text Ryan, but I didn't have the guts to text him. 

I had been in a deadly loop since, before I was even a teenager.  No parents or legal guardians? It was so fucking easy to get away with. 

Ryan almost caught me once with my first real boyfriend Alex, but I was an armature then and quickly caught on. I don't think I could ever admit to anyone how long I've been abusing drugs. I'd be angry and feel so alone if I was Ryan. I hated myself.

We were all chilling at John B's place. The chateau as they called it. I was on the couch Jj to my right and Kie to my left, john b and pope were sitting on the chairs across from us. They were all giving reasons to pope why they should go to the party. Honestly, I had zoned out for most of the conversation debating on trying to reach Ryan or not. Or what would I tell Kie about our argument. I didn't wanna ruin my chance to have friends mentioning my addictions. Making it everybody else's problem. I had literally met them a couple weeks ago. This had the potential to ruin everything.

My eyes come back into focus when I feel something brush against my left leg, when I turn to look, JJ's knee is now pushing against mine. My breath stops for a split second, and I feel heat going up to my face. Looking at our knees I then hesitantly gaze up to him, when I do, he's already looking at me. We just make eye contact, and he gives me a grin slash smile, I didn't really know the meaning behind his look. I just quickly broke eye contact, looking back at the other three trying to look invested.

"Pope you just need to live a little man" JJ says, fixing his gaze back towards the two boys. I look back down and move my knee away from Jj, hoping he wouldn't notice. But when I did so, I saw his smirk frown a little bit, and he refused to look into mine or Kies direction. His jaw was clenched. There was something about JJ that felt so familiar and comforting almost.

I sigh, grabbing my 'water bottle' and phone before excusing myself to use the bathroom. Out of the corner of my eye I see Kie secretly giving me a worried look, I decided to just brush off.

I walk down the hall, and into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. After the door closes. I rest my back against the door, taking deep breaths in and out to try and calm my nerves, closing my eyes tightly and just praying, for anything.

I hold my phone tightly to my chest trying to decide what to do. I move away from the door and towards the sink. I set down my phone before chugging the rest of the vodka in the water bottle. I roll my eyes, before they fall to my reflection. My hands are grasping the edge of the counter and I'm shifting side to side, feeling a bit drunk.

I look tired, more tired than I've looked in a long time, that bruise still noticeably lingering around my neck. I rolled my eyes again at myself, I hated who I saw.

I grab my phone and open Ryans contact. The last message was about him stopping home for his lunch. I felt like an idiot. All these years of not being caught and just as things are getting better, I fuck it all up.

It was around 8pm. So, he was home from work, no doubt drowning in his sorrows with alcohol.

I call him. No answer.

I called again. No answer.

And again. And again. And again. Nothing.

My anxiety is through the roof, I'm not going to text him, he's being petty. I knew he wasn't okay. When one of us wasn't okay, we both weren't okay. There was never an in-between.