Tw: eating disorder behaviors
Present day
I told him we needed a break for him to reflect on himself he obviously wasn't thrilled about the idea hes been making my life hell ever since I decided on having a break such as today
I stood up and went to the kitchen to grab a snack after Oliver had gone to bed in the guest room I decided on a banana i finished it and was still really hungry I grabbed another snack than another then another eventually i cleared the whole fridge I had every snack imaginable sitting in front of me my stomach and face hurt from the overindulging but I didn't care I just didn't want to feel i couldn't stop thinking about the super model of a girl he had brought home i shoved another piece of cake in my face and the thoughts stopped I was coping suddenly the light flickered on i looked up and there he was looking....disgusted
"What the fuck are you doing."
I just stared at him
And he stared back
"Nothing.." i trailed off
"Doesn't seem like nothing I'm going to ask one more time, what were you doing?"
It was a loaded question that I couldn't bring myself to answer
Fuck has glaring at me
"Oliver I..."
"This is disgusting"
"I'm sorry i just-" he cut me off
"No. Are you trying to get fat? I mean this is gross, do you want people to think you're gross?"
I wanted to cry
Oh shit i was crying
"Stop. you know i hate when you cry" but his face said otherwise
'Get this cleaned up then come outside' "i can't believe we have to do this again" he scoffed
"I'm just going to shower and go to bed after i clean this up"
"That's not what I said to do."
I hate him
"Fine"
He walked upstairs to change i knew exactly what we were doing we did this every time he found me binging and I hated it it made me feel so weak and inferior and...gross
"Think of this before you stuff your face again"
I looked at him
Why does he have such a grip on me
"1 hour on treadmill then 30 minutes of mountain climbers" as he listed the other things i spaced off he went on forever
"Scar, did you hear me?"
"Yeah sorry" no I didn't.
A couple hours later we were done i felt sick i almost threw up so many times but he didnt notice maybe he did but he didn't care
I slept restlessly that night i had so much on my mind or it was the pain in my stomach i was calculating the number of calories i had most likely eaten and what i burned which certainly wasn't enough
"You not going back to the kitchen" Oliver yawned as he threw his arm over me
"I'm just going to the bathroom.."
Oliver had come back to bed with me since i "couldn't be trusted alone"
He took his arm off me and fell back to sleep
As I walked down the hall to get to the bathroom I knew what I wanted to do in there was bad but so was not being loved by the only person I wanted love from.
"Blegh"
And there it was simple someone might assume I stared into the toilet disgusted but also relived.
