Dear El

Dear El,

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. If you're reading this then, I'm guessing someone already told you what happened, and I'm sorry. I really am.

I really didn't want to leave you like this, and I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. I mean, you've just lost so much in your life. Your mom Terry, and your dad Hopper, and now me. You deserve so much better El, you do.

Because, you are the most amazing, kind, wonderful, selfless, caring, bitchn', most wonderful person anyone will ever meet. I know you don't hear it enough but it's true, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise Ellie. You're Beautiful. Inside and out. I know that's kind of cheesy of me, but it's never been more true about anyone. You are the most beautiful person I have ever met and everything about you is beautiful. It's beautiful how you fight for the people you love no matter what, It's beautiful how you'll never give up on anything or anyone, it's beautiful how strong you are, it's beatiful how you always find a way to make people smile, It's beautiful how you always stand up for yourself, and it's beautiful how even after all you've been through, and after all the people who hurt you, you still manage to be so kind to everyone nomatter what. You're stronger than I'll ever be, El. Stronger than you even realize. And I've always looked up to that. 

Because I'm really not that strong. I know that. I guess I just pretend to be. I pretend I'm not afraid of what happened with Billy, and I pretend I'm not afraid of Neil, and I pretend I'm not afraid of Vecna, and of dying and losing you. But I am. I guess I thought maybe, if I pretended enough It might actually become true. I've always been so afraid of all those things but then, I met you. And when I was with you... something just... changed. It's like, all you had to do was smile, and all the fear just disintegrated into thin air. Whenever we were together, I just forgot about everything else. None of it matterd. As long as you were by my side, and you were happy, nothing else matterd. 

Do... do you remember the first time we hung out together? Because, don't tell Lucas this but, that was the best day of my entire life.

I was on my skateboard and I was trying to learn this new trick, I wasn't doing too well at it, and then suddenly it slipped out from under my feet. It rolled away from me, and before I could pick it up, I saw you. You picked it up, and walked towards me in the giant flannel that you borrowed from your dad, It was adorable. At first I thought you might be mad at me, because I know you didn't used to like me that much, but then you just handed it back to me. And you said,

 "Can we talk?".

I'm so glad we talked El. Because when I'm talking to you, I... I feel like I actually am strong. And, I think I don't just feel strong when I'm with you, El. It actually becomes true. You make me stronger El. Just thinking about you makes me stronger. And It hurts me, so much, to think that I'm never going to see you again. But It would hurt me even more if, me dying stopped you from living your life. Because I know this is going to be hard for you, Ellie. It's hard for me too. But no matter what happens, after I'm gone, I want you to be happy. I want you to keep being beautiful. Can you do that for me El? Promise? Remember, friends don't lie.

And who knows, maybe my ghost can come visit you in California. I mean, I don't really know what happens when you die but if I do come back a ghost, I promise to be the best ghost friend anyone has ever asked for. And if Vecna or anyone else comes after you, I will haunt them and scare the crap out of them. And If not, I'll definitely be watching out for you from heaven.(Or hell, I've made some very questionable choices.) 

I don't really know what else to write. It's funny how things like this kinda just, happen. Y'know? Like, two days ago I thought I was gonna live for like, 50 more years or something. My life was completely fine- well, in comparison- and now... It's all just ending.