Legend [YEONBIN] ✓

sixty-seven ; yeonjun

I woke slowly to murmured voices.

The alcohol smell of disinfectant filled my nostrils, and I knew I was in the hospital.

“ . . . must have been upset, it’s understandable with his halmeoni’s funeral, but this is the worst attack I’ve seen yet.” I almost didn’t recognize Dr. Ahn’s voice. The neurologist must have thought it important to attend directly to my bedside.

“What are you trying to say about my son?” My mother asked. My son. My brain and heart latched on to the phrase.

“I didn’t think he would deteriorate so quickly. There is nothing wrong with him physically, but tests show his heart continues to get weaker. If this continues, it could be fatal.” The doctor didn’t mince words. Any other time I would have appreciated that.

When Dr. Ahn left, I glanced at my mother. She stared at the door, hands clutched to her chest.

I wanted so badly to call out to her like I would have when I was three. Would she come to me? Would she comfort me? And would it only be out of pity because I was dying? The thought made it hard to breathe. Dying. I was dying. I blinked away tears before I spoke.

“You must be relieved to rid yourself of a burdensome son.” My voice sounded like the croak of a frog.

My mother spun around, her eyes wide as she realized I was awake. “Yeonjun-ah.”

“Why didn’t you come before?” I asked, my voice a quiet plea. “Why did Halmeoni have to die before you came? You should have known I needed you. You’re my mother.”

“Yeonjun-ah.” My name was a sob on her lip. Her grief should have bolstered me. Finally, proof that she cared and all I had to do was die. “I’m so sorry.”

“I just wanted you to be there for me,” I said. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” My body shook with tears. I was too weak to hold them back anymore.

My mother came to me now, her arms warm as they held me. And I finally felt my pride dissolve. I held tight to my mother for the first time since I was a little boy.

•    •    •

When I blinked my eyes open again, I didn’t know how much time had passed. Hours or days.

Soobin’s face came into focus, and I sat up to the sound of beeping machines and humidifier steam. I let myself fall back against the pillows. The mere act of sitting up made me short of breath.

“How are you feeling?” Soobin asked.

I didn’t reply, just stared as he adjusted I blankets, fluffed my pillow.

“Your mother stepped out, but she’s coming back.” Soobin spoke quickly, as if to fill the silence.

“You should feed,” I said.

“What?”

I took his hand between mine. “You should feed.”

He shook his head. “We don’t know how that could affect you. And after this episode, it’s obvious you’re too weak. I won’t risk it.”

“If you don’t, you’ll die.”

“I don’t care about that.”

“Wouldn’t it be better that at least one of us lives?” I asked.

“No,” Soobin said emphatically.

“Don’t you get it?” I asked, my monitors beeping a warning of a rising heart rate. “I don’t want to live anymore. My halmeoni is dead because of me, and my body is giving out anyway. Just feed. Don’t be a martyr for me when I don’t want one.”

“We’ll figure out another solution.”

“You said it yourself. You’re too used to having all the time in the world. But it’s not something you can spend in limitless amounts anymore.”

“Since it’s mine to spend, I’ll do with it what I want,” Soobin snapped.

“If you get the bead, you can live forever. Why would you throw that away?”

“I can only live if I kill others. I won’t. Not anymore.”

“What does an immortal gumiho care about us mere mortals,” I muttered. “We die, it’s what we do.”

Soobin winced as I threw his own words in his face. “I don’t care about immortality. I care about you.”

A month ago, even a week ago, I would have held on to these words like precious sunlight. But I didn’t deserve it, not after I’d failed my halmeoni so completely.

“I shouldn’t be the reason for anyone’s happiness.”

“That’s not true.”

“My halmeoni died before I could prove to her I was worth it. All the things she sacrificed for me, and she died thinking I was a failure. A last-place nobody.”

“Yeonjun-ah, your halmeoni never believed that.”

I let go of his hand and rolled away from him. “Just leave me alone. It’s what you’re best at.”

I shut my eyes until I heard the door close as he left.