I have decided to kill myself. But how would I do it? Because of this Jade will most likely be sticking to me 24/7. I'm not even a little sure how to do it. My mind is a mess. I can't think of a single thing. Even if I succeed... How will it make her feel? Will she be sad? Most likely. But what am I supposed to do? I'm scared of living but I can't die. This is hard! I gotta think! I hate this! I hate all of it! I just want to be dead! But what will be after death? Will I go to hell? Will I be reborn? What will happen? Will I have to watch her suffer after my death? I don't want to! I just want to peacefully die and not feel any sadness! But is that possible? Do I even deserve it?? Maybe I was meant to suffer. But why? What did I do? I can't even remember anything from when I was young. I was with "him" as long as I remember. I'm not even sure if I had any parents. I've been his rat for a very long time. Just a rat. Nothing else. Because of him I have scars all over my body. But that doesn't matter. I probably deserved it anyways. I'm nothing but a useless child. It would be the best if I died. People just waste money on me. I just make people worried. Why am I like this?! Why can't I be happy?! Why?! WHY?! Am I asking for too much??? People say that God helps people but if he exists why won't he help me? He's probably not even real! He's just a made up thing! If he did exist he would help me! He wouldn't hurt me like this!! But why wouldn't he? What if he's just enjoying me suffering? Maybe he's real. He's watching me suffer. Maybe it makes him happy!! But what am I thinking? He's definitely not real. It's stupid believing he is. Humans are disappointing..
