unfolded lies

Dear Eddie

I don't know if you can even hear this. Four years ago, I would have said 'Absolutely not possible' to everything that's happened so far and I have a feeling its not gonna end here. So much has already happened since you've been gone and its only been a month. Your uncle was a total mess. He and I went out for dinner to mourn you we even bought you your favorite food and sat it at you gravestone. I don't think he can stand being here without you he's been talking about selling the trailer and moving out of town he said it reminds him to much of you. He even asked me to join and i'm starting to think its a good idea. Basically, ever since you've been gone, everything's been a total disaster with my mom shes constantly blaming me for everything, shes mad at me for my grades being low, and the thing that hurts the most is she blames me for your death. I dont think she understands how hard it is for me either, I know you guys use to be close and all but she doesnt get we were closer. And the worst part about everything is, I can't tell anyone why you're gone. I can't tell them that you possibly saved Dustins life. That you saved my life. I play that moment that dustin had came to the hospital sobbing and broke the news to me over, over, over, over, and over again in my head all the time. I blame myself to this day for your death. I can't help but think that if i had been a little braver than I had, would you still be gone? And sometimes I imagine myself running to you, pulling you in for one last bear hug when we got out of the van before everything went to hell. I imagine that if I had, that you would still be here. And everything would go back to being okay again. But I just stood there and I watched out for Vecna with Erica. I'm mad at myself I could've been with you. I could've saved you. I could've distracted the demobats while you ran. I could've been there for you. It could've been me. No. Scratch that. It should've been me. At first, I tried to be happy. Normal. But I think that maybe a part of me had died that day too. And I haven't told anyone this. I just can't. But I had to tell you. Before it's too late. Because I don't know if i'm going to make it. I can feel him. He's still here. He never left. And now knowing who it was all along makes me question "could we have stopped it in the beginning and saved a lot of peoples lifes? We've lost to many people. Way to many to count. And I can't help but think that it's somewhat my fault I could've stayed in the upside down for longer. I could've found out Vecna was the one up to it all. I could've helped. But I was to weak. I couldn't even help myself. I lost my voice that day you died I just cant speak up anymore like I use to, my anxiety has gotten worse ever since you left. I havent left my room in weeks this is the first time i've seen daylight and got out of the house since the 'incident'. Dustin had been giving me food from under my door. I can't even eat without feeling a bit of guilt. If you can even hear this. I really hope that you can. I loved you.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Eddie.

Love your shitty girlfriend,

Nova.