Becoming her

Discovering her

"Lioana we are over here" at least the hard part is done. now all I need to do is keep it up. these first few months were good I finally feel like, well normal.

"Hey guys" I sit next to ivy

"We were just talking about.."

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn. "You're lioana right?"

"Yeah "

"My friend thomas thinks your cute and he wanted to ask you out"

wow. this has never happened to me. play it cool ana. " then tell your friend he can tell me himself"

the whole table hollers

"Damn ana you're badass" i smile to myself.

I already had my eyes on someone anyways. Amara Henry. She intrigued me the way she sits quietly but isn't afraid to say what she thinks. The way she is completely authentic and true to herself. But that can't happen. At least not now. I don't even completely understand my feelings for her. I'm not a lesbian I know that for sure..but I'm not completely straight either. I just started to fit in. I don't want to mess it up.

"Lioana...LIOANA!" I snap out of my thoughts.

"Yeah sorry what did you say"

"I said, are you trying out for the musical?"

In my heart I want to say yes. it's the whole reason I came to this school but in my head all I can hear is "they won't choose you"

without thinking I say " Yeah I am."

.....

"I hope you know that she's only friends with you because I told her to be. I thought you would be less annoying, but all you are is clingy and draining.."

"Miss Lioana Anderson"

"Yes that's me" don't fuck this up Ana.

"What will you be singing for us?"

"I am singing Girl on Fire by Alicia keys"

"Whenever you're ready"

I don't think I can do this. What if I do this and they hate it? It proves everything I have ever been told. But if I don't? Will I live to regret it?

"Miss Anderson?"

"she's just a girl and she's on fire..."

"Thank you the list will go up monday"

I fucked it up. I was too shaky and my voice..

Kaia runs up to me "How do you think you did?"

"It went amazing! I'll see you later I need to use the bathroom"

I ran into the stall and puked. I can't believe I convinced myself that I was good enough to do that. I should just crawl back into the darkness, who am I kidding. pretending like I'm not the old me doesn't mean she's not in there.

"Are you okay in there?"

I flush the toilet and open the door

"Yeah I'm..." I look up and meet her eyes. She's perfect. Her hair is styled tightly in a bun, skin crystal clear she even smells swee- i'm being creepy

"Sorry I'm good, I think it was something I ate."

"Hey you're the new girl right?"

"Lioana yeah and you're Amara?"

"Yeah, I'll see you around Lioana."

.......