Outcasts from the Stars : Poppy field

Chapter 4

/!\ mentions of selfharm and suicidal intentions /!\

My body is crossed by a terrible numbness. It is with difficulty that I wake up my muscles and try to ignore as much as possible the headachewhich takes me the head. As I stretch to drive away this unpleasant pain, I try to lift my eyelids, but my eyes categorically refuse to see.

I am suddenly attacked by a persistent cough that makes me feel like my skull has split open. Shaken by convulsions and in lack of air, I crash in spite of myself on the ground. I try to get up, but my condition is too serious to move,even for a bit. So here I am, nailed to solid ground, panting, numb, unable to see, at the mercy of predators and vulnerable, in addition to being hungry and thirsty. So miserable...

I feel like I am reliving those endless sleepless nights. All those nightmarish nights when I felt like I was nothing and everything at the same time, like a complete and useless failure for the whole entire world, of not knowing what I want, that I was going nowhere and that I was absolutely not going to change anything at the end of the path.

During these dark nocturnal periods, I settled on top of a high rock or on that of one of the few trees in the region. I looked at the stars that represented my ancestors, wondering if they accepted me, if they were proud of me. Sometimes, these hurtful thoughts made me want to scratch myself until I bled and then feel that burning "satisfaction" or even drop all the way down, nonstop. But I never had the courage or the strength to jump. I knew full well that it would not change anything, seeing that it would be the worst choice to make, but it was as if a little piece of me was saying that this might be the solution...

I cough again. I got to the point of coughing up blood. At least, it allows me at least to open an eye. I feel so sickly, I no longer want to keep moving forward, not at all, not even for my loved ones, who were not that much, after all...

Here I am again. Dying on the cold stone, no longer paying the slightest attention to the raven's dirge, the brain apostrophized by a dazzling headache, the throat bleeding and black thoughts. Fortunately, I think it ends here, I might be able to find my lover again, finally...

[...]

I weakly open my eyes. I expected a landscape worthy of the tales that are told to the kittens of the tribe about the afterlife places, but it must be believed that this one is simply filled with rocks and snow...Exactly the same ...

Confused, I scan the surroundings to see some silhouette. None are noticeable through this thick mist like a carrier's down. No one will pick me up...

"Am I still alive? But...How is that possible?>>

I remember what happened before I lost consciousness. Waterfall caught me kissing Lake, her own sister, and reported us to Teller, who summoned us, much to High's dismay,who knew for us. He could not do anything more for us...

Subsequently, Teller threw herself on my companion... But where is she, exactly? My heart starts pounding. I have to find her. Absolutely.

The fear gripping my stomach gives me the strength to get up and run. I search through the powder to find her. I continue to search frantically, despite my dry, bloody throat, my watery eyes, my lungs inflamed to the point of bursting, and my nose dripping.

Finally, I find a mass about my size under a mound. I dig up as fast as I can, no matter how much my claws hurt, no matter if they bleed, no matter if they flip. I have nothing more to lose.

My enthusiasm melts like snow underneath the sun when I finish. It is indeed about her, but...

I overcome my anxiety to stir it with the tip of my paw. She is limp, her eyes wide open marked by fear and her mouth gaping. The blood that ran down her hollowed throat froze long ago.

My partner is dead... My lair, my support, my attachment to life... The only one to who I have never been attached, the only cat in the world that I have loved, lost... Flown away in the violent wind of life ...

The only word I can express is why? Why tear myself away from one of the best experiences of my life? Why deprive me of her? Why let me live, but not her? Why take Lake away from me?

I can not see her like that, so I close my eyes. I let flow all the tears that I have held back since the last moons. I am letting all the moans I have kept come out to the world. I curl up, passing my paws over my head and letting out all my intentions buried for far too long.

I am so frustrated and sad in my emotional storm that it takes me a long moment to notice the imposing moving shape. I look up, but see nothing. I return to my pitiful cries before being startled by a piercing scream. It crosses my ears unpleasantly.

I straighten up and see a high volume nozzle. It launches a new challenge sound. I overcome my grief to jump on it, drunk with rage, screaming my pain, claws out, ready to tear the flesh of this stupid feather bag into a thousand pieces, but too late, it is already fleeing with the corpse of Lake, disappearing between mountain peaks...

What am I going to do now ? I do not have the possibility of burying my companion, I was not even strong enough to defend her, whether against the chief or the raptor... I was not even able to execute a gesture of respect for the one who supported me during all these moons, without worrying the least about the real person that I was. What am I still doing here?