A letter to my self

I feel the way you please but not in front of me, emotions belong in the crevasse of your heart and not worn on your sleeves 

The time will come in the winter when the snow melts and the trees once more will grow back in spring and your arms will show in this seasons cause the sun will be beaming leading you to tank tops and baby tees , I warned you that once you damage your skin the scars don't fade but you had a sad face for to long and now they want to stay , I feel the way you please but don't cry infront of me just wear your sweatshirts in the summer time so we don't have to worry  

and then I seek for the scissors , why do I do it though is it because I am driving on an endless road of emotional pain and I just need something physical to focus on?, because I think pain is really the only thing I'm capable of feeling , am I looking to bleed out just so people will notice .yes all these things. But no worries you wear swearshirts in the summer time

I don't know if it's just a phase like every other thing these days buh I do know I want it to go away , it's all in my head and I knew I should have just gone to bed , I don't know if my friends care , maybe it's all just fake . Although my serotonin shouldn't cost a dime I can't seem to find any at this store called life , my smile is all fake so my loved ones won't call I want to escape from reality but I'm too scared to erase my self if I wanted to I wouldn't have asked for help the day I overdosed on those pills , I can't tell if anything is wrong cause I was ignored for so long , all these problems in my head happen everyday of the week the voices are all so loud and now I'm breathless as  I race to catch the breathe in my lungs, my chest heaves as if there isn't enough oxygen

I pace to keep my wildness at bay and then you say it's all in my head like it that easy to comprehend. I'm struggling to keep my sanity while they search my eyes looking for the girl I use to be while my body chooses to fight or flight in this battle of anxiety this loud voice .

I refer it as as DARKNESS I refer to the darkness as a she because she's a huge part of me . She's always there on the good days , the bad ones even the ones inbetween , she hugs me close and whispers she'll never leave . she keeps me up at night laying in my thoughts and it becomes so fucking hard to breathe , she right by me as a gaze upon my imperfection abd when i tell you she leads me in all the wrong directions ,helping me push away those who matter most making them only DISTANT , she makes m cut my skin like clay or harm my self in any possible way. And when i cant get out of bed shes there to hold me making it feel as if im dead why cant i fucking feel my legs? The pain,the suffrrin