The Joe Hawley Cooking Show

The Best One (1)

~

  You turn on your television and switch through the random channels to find your favorite one. Channel 2. After a commercial plays, you see a new show come on. The intro plays as it shows a man cooking in different scenes. It says "Starring: Joe Hawley" in EACH SCENE. Finally, the intro ends with the man waving to the camera in a kitchen and the text saying "The Joe Hawley Cooking Show" in logo form. 

   It quickly cuts to the man waving and smiling to the audience while claps are heard in the background.

   "Hello, folks! My name is Joe Hawley and Welcome to The Joe Hawley Cooking Show! For Today's episode, we are learning how to cook: Bananas." Joe said.

   You give a confused look to him as if he could see you through the television. Could you actually cook bananas? You thought they were just for eating and decoration. You shrugged off the concerned thoughts and continued watching the cooking show.

   Joe grabs a banana from a bowl of fruit in the background. You thought the fruits were for decoration but apparently not. He firmly puts it onto a cooking board, almost throwing it. His hands were getting red from the amount of grip he had on it. The banana also looked like it was gonna explode just from his hands.

   "Now folks, you can eat this banana raw like most people do. I'm not like most people, so we're gonna cook it. I like cooking it better than eating it raw because you can get a real taste of the banana."

   He then proceeds to get a pan from underneath the counter which cannot be seen by the camera. It looks a little rusty. You can see that whatever has been cooked in it has been burned multiple times from the burn marks at the base of the pan. You could also see a faint red substance in the pan...it seems to be blood. Or at least it looks like it.

   The camera turns to the stove which was in the background and we get a new angle of Joe. You could barely see his face and you see he is crouching to be in the frame of the camera. He throws the banana onto the pan.

   "Ok! So to make sure the banana doesn't burn while we're cooking it we have to summon the banana god. Banana man. We're gonna summon him to bless this banana. What we're gonna need to do this is the banana we're gonna be blessing, 5 colorful feathers from a bird, and a lit match!" Joe then held up 5 feathers and a match that was on fire.

   You are now EXTREMELY concerned. Who is Banana Man? Why does he have to bless it so it doesn't burn? Where are the colorful feathers from? WHAT BIRD DID IT COME FROM?? A billion questions were running through your mind but you still watched the show. You still watched this strange man strangely cook a banana.

   "Some folks at home don't have these things but don't worry, if you cook your banana for the right amount of time then you'll be fine! I'm gonna teach you how to do that, but later. Right now, we're gonna summon Banana man."

   Joe sticks the match into the banana and places the colorful feathers around the pan. He does it evenly so even though the feathers weren't an even number and the pan was sort of small.

   "Do these things and you're almost ready! Just one final step; chant these words while closing your eyes."

   Joe closes his eyes and began chanting. "Do you want a banana? Peel it down and go: Mm, mm, mm, mm. Do you want a banana? This banana for you." He said that 13 times. Each time was more aggressive. Then whistling started to play and the banana glowed. Everything went back to normal and Joe opened his eyes.

   "Now the banana is blessed. Thank you, Banana Man!1!1!" He exclaimed as he held his arms up in the air for a short moment. He then put them back down and turned the stove on. "Even though the banana is blessed, we're gonna set the stove to a 7 for the folks at home who couldn't summon him."

   You couldn't believe what you just saw. You saw a man summon a "god" on LIVE TV. How could that be allowed? People would think Banana Man would be something bad or something. People could know who he is and you just didn't. You weren't educated in him enough. Or he actually doesn't exist and this whole show is a joke. 

   "Ok, that's enough TV for me tonight..." You said as you grabbed your remote to turn your TV off. But as you pressed the button over and over, it wouldn't turn off. "What-"

   "Remember to always flip the banana until it's a light brown color on both sides!" Joe said as he picked up the banana from the boiling hot pan and simply turned it over like it was nothing. "Don't let it get dark! That means it's burned and isn't okay to eat. Don't let that happen. D  O  N  T."

   Joe then stares into the camera, his eyes glow a bright red, and looks like a literal demon. ...but with cheekbones. The lighting of the room gets dark and the only light you could see was the red glow from his eyes. But all of a sudden, the lighting turns to normal and his eyes stop glowing. Joe is smiling normally as if nothing happened.

   It looked as if Joe was about to say something since Joe opened his mouth but soon closed it after it looked like he realized something. "I think it's time to stop cooking it, folks." Joe said as he turned off the stove and grabbed a plate from under the counter.

   He put the banana on a plate and the camera focused on the slightly brown-colored banana. "There it is! Enjoy! But did you also know you can have bananas in other ways? You can have it with magical fish, which I'll teach you how to make later, and with cereal! As a nice treat to your breakfast."

   You sit there in your chair, bewildered at what you just saw. AGAIN. First, you saw him turn into some weird entity, and then he played it off as if nothing had happened. If this show was an actual show and "Joe Hawley" didn't exist then you would be pretty impressed with how authentic it is. And how odd it is too.

   Anyway, since the show still was going on Joe got a plate of chopped bananas & a bowl of cereal from under the counter. He placed the pieces of chopped banana in the cereal and then took his hand and formed it into a bowl form, then scooped some of the cereal into his hand and ate it. The cereal didn't have milk or anything in it so his hand wasn't all soggy and wet. 

   "MMMM! Delicious." Joe said as he ate the cereal and bananas. "Now unfortunately that's all the time I have for you today folks. See you until next time." The camera starts to slowly fade to black as he waves to the audience and smiles. Clapping is heard as he waves, and then the show finally ends. It cuts to commercial. 

   "That was...something." You say as you finally manage to turn off the TV. You rubbed your tired eyes, tired from staring at the TV for so long. 

   "...But I'll keep watching it."

~

word count: 1357 (8) words

ok, now I can finally sleep at night not having to worry about this fic. before I reworked it, it was SO BAD. well not really bad but it had no grammar at all. and it had no indenting!!! that just bothers me. a lot. it was also short. it still is but now it has more paragraphs to read & stuff. now I think I'm just gonna end this ramble. have a great day, night, and morning!! take care of yourself :)