piccolo tesoro

Cigarette nightmare

TW ⚠️: Mentions if SH and murder <3

Arabella:

Future:

i don't think i've ever truly processed death. felt true grief. The feeling of gripping on to someone for dear life when they've already let go.
Until now. standing with the knife in my hand. it's not that i regret it, i regret his decisions that made me have to do this.

Present:

August 10th 2022

Rushing out the door my face in my hands tears seeping out of me as i tried to grasp a breath of fresh air.

Crying in a club isn't a foreign thing to happen to most people.

Getting over a breakup leads to crying in clubs. I wish my reason was valid, instead I was crying because I couldn't find  Amiera, it was too loud, the lights flashed to much, and i forgot how to breathe.

First of all if you told me even an hour ago that i'd be in club i'd call you crazy. Not even in the good girl shy in public way. In the anxiety disorder way. In the dependency disorder way.

So even though yes i'd rather be at my bookstore in a corner reading a new romance book i'd also rather be someone who was able to enjoy stuff like this.

I wish I was someone who enjoyed flashing lights and lots of people laughing and talking. I wish I would walk and talk to new people, flirt with a guy for once. But i'm not, i'm the one running out of a club to hide in an alley way.

Amiera got in my head about how I am 19 and should live my life for once.

People think that because you choose to live your life quieter it counts as not living but i think it does.

Amiera doesn't. But I don't blame her, her life is so exciting and I know she just wants that for me too. But she doesn't understand that's not what I want, I don't think.

She's 24, drop dead gorgeous, 5'8 with a curvy model body. She never lets anything limit her, her fears are scared of her. I would be lying if I said I wasn't completely and utterly jealous of her existence. 

Sometimes I live through her, the stories of her traveling to foreign places before we met. Meeting random men and women and having crazy one night stands.

I met her in a bookstore, more specifically the one I've worked at for about 2 years. I met her about 1 year ago and she sort of took my under her wing.

But now here I was in this present situation, I was now completely on the side of  the building hyperventilating, while picking away at my scars trying to feel something other than panic. I slid down the wall as my butt hit the pavement.

I missed Ameira, I know she was making out with some girl in the back of the bar and she checked in with me before, and I cant hold her back forever. Because I know she would let me. I told her I would be fine. I knew I wasn't but she wasn't my babysitter, I had to let her have fun.

As I picked at my skin looking around the abandon alley I suddenly noticed two strange men leaning on the side.

One was smoking calmly, a calm I wished I had.

The other was shaking aggressively.

The taller smokey guy was holding the other by the neck yelling something, in what I'm guessing is maybe Italian...

I saw the man reach to his pant and pull out a gun. A real life gun, even though I live in America i've never seen a gun in real life before. It's terrifying, especially when I got the pit in my throat knowing this man probably wants to use it.