𝙧𝙪𝙡𝙚 𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙧 - 𝙚, 𝙢𝙪𝙣𝙨𝙤𝙣

𝟎𝟎𝟒. 𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲.

☾༒☾
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𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆! 𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐌! (𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐧 * 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐮𝐩♡︎)

𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐲𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯.

"yeah, eds. why not?" i basically challenged him. I mean, im not even sure he likes me that way in the first place.

i leaned over the passenger seat so we were only inches apart. he looked into my eyes for a second with an unhinged hunger.

he smashed his lips into mine without thinking twice. i kissed him back and tangled my hands in his soft, brown hair.

he suddenly pulled away and said "we shouldn't," i just looked at him confused and said "you don't want to?" i asked. i was genuinely confused. he kissed me. not the other way around.

"honey, it's not that i don't want to, it's that i can't! it would ruin everything. i don't deserve you, not in that way, at least." he said, looking down at his hands, fidgeting with his rings.

the nickname made me wince. he hadn't called me honey since sophomore year. he called me that because in the 5th grade, i got attacked by bees and eddie claimed it was because i smelled like honey.

"eddie..." i sighed, not knowing what to say. he just turned back to the drivers wheel and started driving. we just sat in silence. i noticed he was driving towards my house. i had just decided that he clearly didn't like me and i was a fool for ever even considering it.

"hey, i thought we were going back to your place? to celebrate?" i questioned. "oh, uh, yeah im busy. i have to uh do something, with uh, my uncle. yeah, my uncle." he was stuttering over his words. almost like he was stalling. i just went silent.

he's obviously lying. he doesn't have shit to do with his uncle.

was it my fault? shit, i shouldn't have kissed him back. am i making him uncomfortable? does he hate me now? he probably thinks i'm a total weirdo and doesn't want to be my friend anymore. but we've been bestfriends for over a decade? i was fighting the tears that i felt were coming up. fuck fuck fuck.

we arrived at the wheelers. eddie tried to say
"by-" but i just got out of his van, slammed the door and ran into my house.

i ran up to my room and just started sobbing into my pillows. i couldn't believe i was stupid enough to think that he might've liked me. he probably only kissed me because he felt bad for me.

the tears couldn't stop pouring down my face. i just feel dumb. i feel stupid. thinking back on it, it was a pathetic attempt to try and get him to like me. he'll never see me that way.

* i rolled up my sleeves to reveal my cuts. lines of white and red scattered my arm, going almost to my shoulder. i opened my bedside drawer to grab a pencil sharpener. i went to the bathroom and just stared at my ruined face. i dismantled the sharpener and stared at the blade for a long time.

do it. you deserve to feel this pain. you have absolutely no good qualities. even your best-friend hates you. everyone around you wishes you were gone. and it's your fault. you're stupid, annoying, ugly, weird, fat, pathetic, and how many other things. you're the farthest thing from decent.

a single tear dropped from my eye and onto my arm. i pushed the blade as hard onto my arm as possible and watched as blood drew from my arm. i just kept opening more and more of my cuts until my arm was covered in red.

"hey court! i was just wondering what you think of this dres-" nancy barged into the bathroom. i desperately tried to cover up my arms and roll down my sleeves but it was too late. nancy's always been like my sister. and she saw them. saw me.

"cee-cee, i swear it's not what it looks like." i said, trying my best to sound composed. she started tearing up as she watched the blood seep through the fabric of my hellfire shit. "court..." she said through teary eyes. she just gave me the biggest hug ever. i just started sobbing again into her shoulder.

"sh, it's okay. you're ok. i love you so much. you're safe. i'm here." nancy whispered sweet nothings into my ear as we both sat on the ground. she just held me for what felt like eternity.

"cee-cee i- i just want to be gone, i want to disappear," i cried. "shh, it's okay. you're okay. listen to me, when i find out whoever or whatever made you feel like this, im getting my revolver on them, i swear." she said seriously while pulling away from the hug to look me in the eye before pulling me back into a hug.

"nancy, im sorry. i'm so so sorry." i begged. "don't be sorry. this is not your fault. this is absolutely, not. your. fault." nancy said. "i thought he liked me! i was so fucking stupid to think he liked me!" i said.

"cmon, let's go get you cleaned up. then we can have a girls night. free of whatever fucking loser made you feel like you had to hurt yourself. how does that sound?" nancy said, smiling at me. "that sounds really good." i laughed.

i got rid of my bloody clothes and got in the shower. the warm water slightly stung on my fresh cuts. it still hurts, emotionally. knowing that you're crush of 5 years doesn't want anything to do with you.

i really love and appreciate nancy. we're polar opposites, but we're perfect opposites, none the less. she does so much for me. it wasn't fair to her. i got my blood all over her new dress, and she's spending her friday night taking care of me and making sure i don't die.

i washed my hair and body and got out of the shower. nancy had laid out pink silk pajamas onto my bed so i changed into them.  i brushed my hair and made my way to cee-cees room.

"hey! c'mon sit down. we're gonna watch miami vice!" she smiled and patted next to her. ever since we were little we would hang out on friday nights and watch miami vice. it was our thing.

i got into her bed and she turned the tv on. we just cuddled and laughed and enjoyed the show. we fell asleep and that was the end of our night.

i'm happy with that.

𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄❦
hiii! so. before i say anything else, i would just like to say that my dms are always always always open. if you have ever gone through something like courtney, i am always listening. i love each and every one of you more than you could possibly fathom and your happiness is a priority. as a person who is recovering from self harm, i only want you guys to not have to go through the same things i did. okay, i won't keep you any longer, i love you all so so so much and ill see u very very soon!😘😘❤️❤️🫶🏽🫶🏽