Leo Hatch

Funeral

I walk slowly towards the door, what would you do if you saw me like this? I'm a mess and my pantsuit is wrinkled along the edges, I'm just what every little girl want to be when she grows up. Slowly turning the doorknob I breathe in, trying to at least look like I'm fine.

My first step outside is a bitter one. The cold fall of this Wisconsin Autumn is tearing the last bits and pieces of me apart, ripping away at my soul until I finally give in. I need to get to the van. Now.

As I slide into my seat, I try not to remember all the fights we had in here, but the good memories. Like all the time we brought board games with us on road trips, one game for each and every stop. I only remember a few of them, Uno was Vegas, we stayed up all night playing in the parking lot of a run down casino, other than the half an hour we spent sitting by the half working wishing fountain. I think we did apples to apples in Minnesota after visiting the apple orchard. My favorite was an all nighter at a silent movie festival, regardless of being an "all nighter" it only lasted till about 3am. Afterwards we went back to the van and played monopoly for hours until we got bored and began to stargaze. As we let our bodies slowly faint into the grass you said the words I've been thinking for a long time be then.

"I love you" you said, your lisp standing out slightly more than normal and your hair put up messily, you were the prettiest thing I'd ever seen. As we stared into the stars I saw one that reminded me of you, it was far away and looked like the least shiny one in the sky, but I saw it, and I almost felt like it saw me. I slowly turned my head to you and replied " I love you, and I love you just the way you are, right here right now. You are my star, and even though others don't always see you shine, I do. I see you, and I think you're so god damn perfect." You turned your head to me, on the verge of tears and then looked back to the sky, blinking repeatedly. I don't know how long we were out there, but somewhere along the way you fell asleep.

As I carried you back to the van, I couldn't stop thinking about what I had said, even when I went back to the drivers seat and slowly drifted away, those words kept repeating.

Other times, we turned this van into a big fort and pretended to be dragon slayers or pretended that we were in War. Other time we used the van for sex, but rarely, I'm not really one for those things. You on the other hand, definitely were, but you stayed within my comfort zone. But we would normally just sit back with a book, blast some rock music or talk until one of us passed out, you always were out first.
I pull out of the driveway, still trying to collect myself. Why did you have to do this, I knew you were sad but, suicide? Isn't that below us? When I said I'd always support you I didn't mean I wanted you dead.

My thought right now could carry me away to so many different places, mostly dark, until I remember your smile. You always hated it, you hated your thin lips and and the gap between your front teeth( this is the same gap that made you a gazillion times better at kissing, by the way). I never even noticed those things until you pointed them out to me.
Walking into the funeral home wasn't the hard part, neither was driving, but now that I'm here I want to die. I guess a room that practically screams death, may or may not do that to you.

I came early, so I can see you and kiss your cheek before any of your Christian family members have time to stop me.
As I walk up to you, a priest opens your new home and tells me to take my time with you and just breathe, he reminds me to think of the good times.

I hope you have enough room in their, you never were one for tight spaces. I watch as the priest gets up.
"I'll let you have a moment of privacy." he says nodding as go walks towards the door to start meeting people.
I stare at you blankly. Why do they get people all dressed up once they pass, and why the hell did they have to cover you with all this makeup? I'm so upset, I don't even get to see your beauty the last time I ever get to see you at all. It's probably best I don't worry too much about this, so I slowly move my eyes down to your hands. Your nails are painted pink, you always hated pink. You mother probably requested pink, she always hated when you painted them black. Your fingers are placed directly in the middle of your stomach and are latched precisely so that you look like you'd been trying to get them like that for hours. I wonder if they pay somebody to perfectly latch fingers for them, that might be a good job for me. You always said I was good about making things appealing.

I glance at the clock, it reads 9:48am. Only about five more minutes till others decide to show. I grab my note from inside my pocket. As I reach for your hands I instantly pull back, how cold will you be? I gently press my wring finger to your wrist. You're frozen. I allow my other fingers to brush across your wrists, next thing I know they're dancing. As one drops another comes up and so on, they're going in a pattern. Middle, ring, middle, pinky, pointer, ring. You don't know what you're doing to me.

9:52. This time I don't waste any time, I gently place my note under your hands.
As I turned my attention to your face, I look at how they Darkened your whole face and blushed up your cheeks, they didn't need too. In fact, I wish they hadn't. I bend down slowly, focusing on one of your freckles that I can just barely see through all the make up. the closer I get to your face to closer I am to fainting but as soon as my lip hits your cheek, everything comes back to me. As I pull away from your face, I hug you back into my arms, you feel so empty.
"I love you, and I love you just the way you are, right here right now. You are my star, and even though others don't always see you shine, I do. I see you, and I think you're so god damn perfect."