What happens when you're just a story written under the moonlit sky? What happens when the only boy you love becomes a faded memory of just someone you used to know? What happens when you can't get your heart back, but that boy left you tattered and...
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Look at that girl. Do you see it? That smile on her face she can't contain. That boy she is in love with who has such a beautiful soul. Do you think that boy realizes how much she's not telling him?
You see, Zachariah has been through a lot. He's the broken one who I tend to because life throws curveballs at us. It threw one at me. But here I sit. Smiling at this boy who is telling me all about an old mustang he's been working on at the shop he works at.
It's six in the evening and he just climbed through my window ten minutes ago with such a bright smile. I don't want to destroy his joy. Because that is what will happen. But you know, I think I always knew. At least deep down.
Zachariah cups my cheek, and when I look up, he is staring intently into my eyes. "You went from smiling to looking mad in about three seconds. Want to tell me what that's all about?" Well, no. I don't want to tell him. My head is a mess right now.
"It's nothing." I speak. I want to hold it off for another day. A day when the reality of my new reality sets in and doesn't hurt so much. A day when I'm good enough for someone who is supposed to care about me. Love me.
He sighs, then drops his hand. "Remington." He starts to say. Then stops and looks my way again. Is it written on my face? Does he see it?
I feel as one tear slips down my face. My bottom lip starts to quiver. I glance away from him and pick at my nail polish. Why can't the here and now, just me and him, be the only reality? All others hurt too much. "She left me." Was that my voice? It sounded far away. Like I was having an out of body experience.
He squats down in front of me and places his hand atop mine to stop the destruction of my nail polish. "Who left you baby?"
Can I say it? Am I able? "My mom." I whisper. Too afraid if I say it louder, the rest of my life will get swept away in the destruction.
His hands squeeze mine which causes me to look up into his perfect azure eyes. "She's a fool then Remi. Because only a fool would walk away from something as valuable as you."
Like a fool, I ate up his lies. If that were true, then that would end up making him a fool. But my sixteen-year-old heart ate up his words and let them soak into my skin and my naive heart. Because it would be a short too years later when he walked away from me. Left me pleading with him to stay. To choose me. To love me.
He said all the right words, but he never said he loved me. But truth be told, I never told him. I was too much of a chicken. Afraid the consequences would leave me all alone. But in the end, I would be alone anyway.
As tears ran rapid down my face, I took my time to study this boy. Because it was spring and soon the fireflies would be dancing all around the tall grass. Soon, the nights would come later. Soon, he would be leaving this town for something else. Soon, I would miss him. At that moment in time, my heart was no longer aching for a mother who I never was close with. Truth of the matter, we never had a good relationship. It was my daddy who was my best friend. The one who knew my feelings for the boy in front of me. Not a single soul. Not even Mia, knew I loved Zachariah. Only my daddy.
"But you're leaving me too." I faked a bravery I didn't feel. "Can't you wait? Stay here until I graduate."
His forehead fell to my own. My heart was breaking before he even spoke. I already knew he was still going to leave me. "I already signed up darlin'. They won't let me just back out after I already enlisted. Besides..." He brought my face up to meet his. "I'm still going to call you. Write you. Heck, I'm going to come see you when I get leave. But baby I have to do this for me."
I think the most heartbreaking things are knowing the truth in why someone is doing something and understanding their perspective. But still having to watch them leave. Because as I sat there holding onto him while I cried, my tears mingling, fighting, because my mom left. I couldn't help but worry what that meant for the future. What would that mean for us? For me?
I often wondered if he knew he took up all the pages. If he ever read my journals, he would see the inspiration was him. But how could I hold him back when he had something he set to do for his own self. Would I be able to let him go without a fight? Or would I wait until he left to breakdown? Letting the destruction of the aftermath wash through and cleanse me of everything I knew. Everything I wanted.
"Come on baby, let's go for a ride." He pulled me up by my hand and I followed him out the window and to his Harley. Following him would be my favorite pastime.
We rode for miles. Nothing but us. My hands holding tightly onto him. The smell of his woodsy cologne mending with the fresh spring air. the rumble of his bike against our skin, and the love in my heart that I held so tightly onto.
He stopped at the Frosty Freeze and got me a strawberry milkshake. We sat on the picnic tables watching as the sun started to slowly set. I loved him more in that moment. Taking away all of my problems. They would still be there later, but he wanted to get my mind away from it all. We talked about summer. About how I wanted to be a writer. He asked me if I would ever let him see what I write. I told him no. We painted a future in orange, blue, and vibrant yellows. A future so beautiful and barely out of reach.
But like all things, our world would come crashing down yet again that day. When he came to my window that night. Blood dripping from his nose and lip. I held tightly onto him, as his blood and my tears mingled together. Coaxing a lullaby of the saddest, yet bravest of loves. I fell asleep lost in the rumble of his voice as he read me a random romance novel that was sitting on my nightstand. As he read to me that night, I wondered if our love could surpass all like the man and woman in the book he read. If we could overcome the cruel mess of this life that held us bound. If we could survive the two years until I graduated.
