Reni's book of thoughts.

Feeling like a grown up.

You're a child or a teen that's been through so much, that you can't stare at yourself, and recognize your current age. Or a young adult facing through reality, work, the cycle of your average busy adult, there isn't much to like about facing adulthood. I just hear that often and I did hear it from my mom, so I'm assuming a lot agree with this. With that being said..

Trigger and Content warnings.

There are mentions or thoughts of suicide, self harm, eating disorders, animal abuse, aswell as horrible hygiene, emotional and physical abuse, threats, mocking of weight, and manipulation. Stay safe and do not scroll if you are easily triggered by the following. :)

I've been through, a couple of things I guess. Maybe thats an understatement, I feel spoiled despite everything that's happened to me. Been manipulated harshly, two years straight, before finally snapping. I won't go into too much detail but it was draining and tiring, at the same time so refreshing- each day that passed with them. They've changed now, and they're a better person now, they're doing their best and I applaud them for that, really.

Besides that, just.. been yelled at and scolded, those are fine, but I was called names, tugged by the hair, pulled down unto some bucket of water and nearly drowned or suffocated, had to see a few items thrown in the ground, a few death glares and threats from my father to punch or slap me, yeah, not much to like, not much good to see, I know I did have good moments, and bad moments aren't really that often...? I aren't sure but I think I did have a normal childhood? Those bad moments are just highlighted memories in my head, just engraved and carved into my inner child.

Was called fat several times, was told I should do better a lot of the time. Grandpa was never satisfied with what I gave, they always wanted a 5th rank child, they wanted me to become better. They're mean, mean to this family, they have an image to uphold outside, so they wouldn't do anything out there. Just thinking of them make me want to cry already, really. Well, atleast he doesn't yell like my father, but still.. He's made me sad and angry so many times.

He playfully hit me with a belt one time. As in, just lightly sways it at me, and it still hurt. Shot him a glare and he just stares at me with a look of, what?? Oh. I wonder why I'm so mad, yeah. I wonder why I'm so mad.

I sometimes just starve myself because of him and his words, he sickens me that I do that. He's the reason why i sometimes stay in my room for hours in a day. Yes, he isn't as bad as my father you can say, but my father isn't as bad anymore. My grandpa on the other hand, hasn't really even tried apologizing to me or anyone else unlike my father.

I felt overwhelmed by a lot of things, life, thoughts, and so much more, the feeling of being responsible for so much, even though i literally have so little to take care of- I was lazy at studying(?), but when I did try to study it was geniunely hard to understand and it was stressing, it all led to me self harming out of pure stress, and I felt joy when it just happened. At the same time, guilt. I didn't want this, but I did, at the same time. I didn't use blades, I used some plastic lid and snapped a few things off to try and make it sharp. Tried to do it again but I would not gain any scars, eventually I stopped.

Hh. I felt guilt with the animal abuse thats going on here. I swear, things have been rough with the dogs and they deserve better.. I sometimes wish they would just give them out to better owners. That wish won't be granted, thats something I'm certain of.. so I just have to sit here and take it, I guess.

At the same time I feel numb about it all. It's happened and has gone on ever since I was a kid. I don't like how I'm numb to hearing dog screams and dog fights. But I do feel.. pissed about it all, how they still keep them, even if they don't know how to properly take care of them.

Too much went on and eventually I went suicidal, rude too, I became toxic for a while because of it all. [ I changed but.. theres a lot that cannot be undone, I'm grateful they forgive me but I do feel guilt about it still. ] My Suicidal self is NOT some excuse to that entire rude treatment from me, I seriously do not like what I have done and I feel bad about it. Yes I have apologized, tried to make up for it,, but the memories remain and I hate them.

I wasn't in great shape, even after I did change. It was just a few thoughts when it started, to many and countless attempts, with me always stopping when I was just about to. Many knives pointed at my neck or stomach, a lot of stares at the pills my family keeps, a lot of thoughts, too many.

And I just did self harm again after how bad it all became. I don't do it often, well, before it was a "sometimes," now its rarely(?). I hit my head a lot when I have a memory flashbacks, I just., dig my nails into my skin until they leave a mark, when I feel bad.. or hit myself with a comb till I bleed and cry, when everything is too, too bad.

Its.. all accompanied by me not brushing my teeth, not taking proper baths, not taking care of myself. Sometimes I just lay down for hours and not even bother to get out o my room. Ugh..

I could go on but this is all just, a summary of what's happened to me, mh life isn't all bad I swear, but those things are just drilled into my brain and its caused so much issues. So many.

And I feel like an adult because of it all. Its funny. I'm just a spoiled 13 year old, but I feel like I'm 18 already. I don't like it, it's so bad. It just breaks me down sometimes, I just wanna feel like a kid, be a teen again, but with everything that happened, I feel as if I can't, I shouldn't, that I know better.

I've been exposed to the internet, and sometimes I wish I didn't know this much. Sometimes I just wished I was still innocent. Sometimes I just want to return back to childhood. But I can't. I just can't. So I'm stuck here hugging my inner child, trying to heal them because nearly no one knows how broken they are from everything. And even if someone did know, they don't know how to heal them.

I just want to let them out and be able to hug someone, feel safe, a father or mother figure to look after me as I let my walls down for once. I haven't been able to vent properly. I don't feel comfort from anyone that easily,. I often rely on food or YouTube to do it, but sometimes I just want to speak to someone. But im also selective on who I want to speak to..

I don't want someone to feel extremely panicked when I explain it all, I know its natural, but if its too much for them or if it feels as if I'm panicking too, I just don't interact. I apologize but its really hard for me if the both of us are struggling.., it really is. I don't want you to feel this shitty because of me.

I don't like it when people casually say "same" or "relatable" when I'm upset. I understand you relate and im sorry, but this just looks ignorant and rude.. I don't interact with people who says that.

I just, don't like it if a person suddenly vents when I'm the one venting. Like, trauma dump. Just full on tell me their whole life and cut me out. Please.. I'm seeking comfort, I'm sorry about your life, really, but please. Its fine to say a few things you've been through to try and share the fact we've been through similar things, but really.. If you full out vent, send me 5 paragraphs filled with stuff about your life when I just want to maybe die? I'll just. Try to comfort you I guess, before refusing to interact with you.

I just feel bad these days and trying to vent is just hard. It is. And with my inner child coming out again and wanting comfort and a dad figure, its even more hard. Part of me wants to just shake someone out of desperation, it is that bad. I just want a figure, i just want comfort, but I just go away and keep asking myself why I'm this lonely, I don't mean to shut myself out, I want to speak, too. Please let me speak, please let my inner child out, please. For once. Let it be free for once, it just needs comfort, just slight comfort.

Anyways,, h. This has been long enough, I apologize for how long this one was.