Cried for you

Memories. Ouch

A d e e r a

It's been three years now. Since I last had a full conversation with Maxim. I will never forget the way he looked at me when we first met. It was like he discovered something in...me. I like that.

Now it's like we never existed. And it hurts. So damn much, sometimes I just want to walk up to him and hug him. But I wish I could, I can't though. We can't because...we agreed.

"What are you saying?"

"I think it would be good if we stopped being friends"

"Why?"

"I'm a popular now, and your...Uhm. Your different, ya know"

"Oh"

I hate him for that. He called me different. Am I different to him? Is it in a bad way? Why do I care so much? Why can't I let us go? Yeah we were friends just move on.

Why do I still care so much about that sentence. That one sentence?

Do other people see me differently?

"Hey deer" I hear my big brother Mikael say as he walks into the kitchen and takes a bite into the apple. "Hi" I reply back and grab my phone.

Mikael and I don't have the best relationship. Since Mikael and Maxim are kind of friends. Sometimes Maxim comes by the house. Usually when he does I lock myself in my room.

I don't really have friends anymore...last time I had a really good friends was May and than Maxim. May and I- she isn't here anymore so we can't talk.

Wish we could. God I miss her so freaking much I want to scream. It really hurts when you can't talk or even tell anything to the person your dying to spill your heart out.

She's gone and Maxim doesn't want us to hang anymore so that means I have no human friends. Besides my cat and dogs.

I love them.

I have one cat and three dogs and they're like human friends. They meow or bark whenever I talk to them. Yeah I know I sound like a looser big time but it's like they know what I'm saying.

"So..." I look at Mikael when he speaks "so" I copy knowing he's about to tell me Maxim's coming over.

"I just wanted to give you heads up that Maxim's coming to the house today at six" he smiles at me and then walks away.

Called it.

I check the time on my phone and sigh. It's Sunday 11am and I have no plans to do anything. Well I can start planning what to do when Maxim comes over.

It feels so wrong when he comes over. When your old best friend comes at your house but not to hang out with but with your older brother.

"Okay" I sigh and grab my bowl of cereal and dump it into the garbage and then slide it into the sink.

I tried eating some breakfast today. It's random but yeah.

I make my way up the stairs. Then I turn right and walk into my room. There isn't anything special with my room. There's a bad and a window. Some drawings on the wall. Some makeup and a closet. Oh and a mirror.

To look at myself in the mirror and cry.

Haha joking...

I walk over to grab my phone as I hear a text. I laugh when I see someone comment on my video.

User2797393: lmao she's sick talking about books.

I keep laughing until I'm laughing at myself. I sit down next to my bed and take a moment. I sigh as I put my hands on top of my head and put my elbow in my knees.

What if they're right? What if I am a sicko? What if I'm not pretty- scratch that I know I'm not pretty.

I just want to feel that feeling where you have to go somewhere and you want to get ready and look nice just to go outside. I don't even do that anymore.

I stand up and walk to my closet and grab my shorts and hoodie. I'm just going to go run. Maybe that will help me.

After changing I make my way downstairs and put on my sneakers. Walk to the mirror by the door and put my hair in a high ponytail. I hate how I look. And I hate how I have to dodge mirrors cause when I look in the mirror all I feel is hate and sadness.

Not even my therapist knows this.

I barely talk about my feelings. When I do I always get judged or either they say "but your so pretty" but no one really says that anymore.

I lock the door as I step outside. The hot air waves through my face and I sigh. God I missed going outside for a reason.

Actually going outside to meet someone. I miss that.

I slowly start jogging as I put on my music. Don't judge me but I like listening to NF. My favorite song is Why did you leave me? Or If you want love.

I can relate to them. All of his songs I relate to. In different ways. I relate to any sad song. That's sad.

But it's okay. I like sad songs. It's comforting. I don't like happy songs. They get on my nerves. They're so... happy. And I'm not. I get mad because I can never have that feeling again. I will never feel happy again.

Not after how he left me. How we betrayed me. Maxim is a dick. And I don't really curse a lot so that's a big thing. I used to write Maxim down as MANWHORE in my contacts.

That's how much he hurt me. He used to bully me. Now he stopped. Probably cause he realized...I don't know but whatever reason he stopped bullying me I don't want to know. I don't even want to know why he started bullying me.

Why me? Why is it always me?

Hey lovelies,

1007 words

Serena out-