You're okay!

PART IV - B

I had the time of my life writing Michelle's letter. It was so hard to end, I kept adding things to it. It's too long now, but there's no way I can make it shorter.

I hope you have as much fun reading it as I have writing it.

There are warnings though, there is strong language in this chapter with mentions of death, self-harm and suicide idealation.

Please take care of yourself and be careful when you read this.

That, being said, enjoy. And please, for the love of God, please react. That is the only thing keeping me going.

PART IV - B

Hey Parth,

Okay, first of all, a little heads up, this is going to be very dramatic.
Yep, you read it right.
I'm going to be dramatic. Me. Michelle!
The epitome of subtlety as you had once called me. I know, I know. It will be strange. I get it, okay. But this is my truth and so help me if I want to be a little dramatic when I reveal it.
I'm damned you see, this is my confession and by the end, you're gonna hate me.
Do you know that I don't remember the first time we met? Yep, I don't. I have absolutely no idea.
All I know is that, one day I looked up from my math notebook and there you were in front of the classroom, solving a problem on the board in a way I'm sure we weren't supposed to know yet and it was like you were always there. We were seven.
You finished the answer and looked back shyly and I knew then and there that you needed friends. I don't know why I felt that, but I did. There was just something special about you, right from the beginning. I just knew I had to look out for you, and I've been trying to do that ever since.
I know you won't believe me, but it's the truth. I've been looking out for you for a long time. Before you met Hemant, before you met Geet, before you met Mr. Goenka. I was always there, Parth. You just didn't know it, and I don't even blame you for that. I was always in the shadows, I still am. That's my place and I had long since made peace with the fact that I always will be.
I know that you're never going to read this, oh my God, please don't read this. I will die before I let you read this. I swear.
But maybe.. maybe a part of me wants you to, I don't know, but I still won't let you. I won't. I can't. I don't like people knowing me. I like how they see me, mysterious, strong-willed Michelle who isn't afraid of anything. That's the persona I hid behind my whole life. I'm not gonna ruin that. Nope.
Then why am I writing this? I don't know, really. I guess, I just needed it out there.. somewhere outside my head. Because that's where all this had been for more than twenty years. Just inside my head. Nobody knew and nobody ever would... except maybe this piece of paper..
So yeah, maybe this would bring me catharsis. Maybe this would achieve nothing and I would be left feeling exactly the same way I've felt my whole life. I don't know why I'm writing this, I really don't.
I just.. I just need something you know, some proof out there in the world that this exists. That it's real and not just inside my head. I know you don't understand, I don't really either. Let's just leave it at me being weird.
Because yeah, that's the easy way.
Michelle does strange things. Michelle had always been weird. Michelle doesn't have emotions.
I could always get away with anything, even from you, because I'm weird, beacuse everyone thinks that I don't have emotions. Sometimes it hurts, that no-one cares enough to look a little deeper, and sometimes it's strangely relieving. I'm a weird, strange person. But I do have emotions, trust me I do. I feel things just as deep as everyone else does. People just assume I don't, because I'm good at hiding myself. I don't think anyone really knows the real me. It's sad but it's okay, I guess, sometimes, I think I don't understand myself too.
But you. Parth! You.
You're wonderful, the most amazing, the kindest, you're everything good in this world. I know you won't believe that, but that has been the truth all this while.
The things I would do for you, oh Parth, the things I would do for you. I would do anything for you Parth. Anything. I have done everything for you. Things you wouldn't believe. Things I still can't believe. I had been your friend, watching out for you, way before you had been mine.
I had watched you all this time. I watched you became friends with Hemant in a way that I would never be. I watched you watch Geet and stumble and dance and fall in love with her. I watched you shatter and fall apart. I watched you pick up the pieces and try again. I watched you mourn your father, I watched you mourn Geet and I watched it again and again and again. I watched you all this time, helplessly from the sidelines.
I did everything I could to help you, to take care of you. I did, but I always knew that I would never be enough. But sweetheart, I swear I had tried my hardest to be, trust me.
I had always known it, I was never enough, but I knew that Geet would always be.
I remember that day in eighth standard, when she first came to our class with a hopeful smile. She was just as shy as you were and I can still remember looking at you looking at her. You looked at her as if she was magical, that nothing else in the world would ever come close now that you've seen her.
But you don't know.. you don't know, that I had looked at you the same way my whole life, Parth. My whole life.
I was always a loner. I never had a lot of friends. Even now, when people ask me about my friends, it's only you and Hemant that comes to my mind. It's... hard for me, opening up to people. But I was friends with her, Geet. I feel like she was my first friend. And to this day, I feel like she was my best friend. We understood each other, in a way that never happened to me again. Don't get me wrong, I love you and Hemant. I could never survive without you two. But she understood me differently, in a way that you two can't relate.
I miss her so much you know. You probably think you're the only one, but you're not. She was my friend too, I lost her too. I'll miss her forever too.
Do you remember when she had to go for that weekend conference with Dr. Mansi?
Of course you do, you moped and complained the whole time. Well, she came to see me before that and told me to take care of you because she was going away. After that, whenever she had to go somewhere, she would always come to me, telling me to take care of you. It was an unspoken rule for us, that I would take care of you when she can't. If she's not there, I'm in charge.
I did my best after the last time she went too, only this time I knew she wasn't coming back. I'm still doing it, taking care of you and looking out for you, mostly for me, a little for you, but also, for her. Because she trusted you with me, she knew you wouldn't listen to anyone else. She was my best friend and she asked me to protect you, to take care of you. I hope she thinks I'm doing a good job. I really, really do.
I think we're the same, Geet and I.
She just smiled a little sweeter, talked a little faster and laughed a whole lot louder than me. But inside I think, our souls were similar. We looked at you the same way. We knew that you were destined for great things. We knew from the begining. I see you now in R&D doing wonderful things, and I think of how incredibly proud of you she would be. I know I am. I don't believe in a lot of things, but I believe that Geet is looking out for you, even now. There is no-one like her, she really was the best of us.
I think she was the first one who knew, surely she knew. She wouldn't ask me to take care of you otherwise.
Maybe everyone knew..
Hemant knew for sure. Your mom knows, she has this sad smile in her face when she sees me looking at you. Megha even confronted me once. But not you. Never you.
It's as if the thought has never even crossed your mind, which is silly, because even I'm not that subtle. You probably think that you're so incapable of being loved to not notice. But you're not, I swear, you're not. And I would know, but if only you would.
Oh Parth.. If only..
Because I did it all for you, you see. Everything, only for you.
You had always worried that I went to Delhi for you, that I went to Boston and came back to Mumbai for you, joined Goenka Industries for you. I always told you that I didn't, that they were just coincidences, those decisions were just what was right for me at the time. I lied. They weren't Parth, not even a little bit.
I did it for you, darling. You and only you. I wouldn't have done it for anyone else, but for you, I would do it over and over, again and again for as long as I live. I'd follow you anywhere Parth. I would do it again. Anywhere, anytime, I would...
In case if it's not clear, in case you're that oblivious, in case you're blind enough to not see it even now, I'll spell it out so you wouldn't misinterpret it any other way.
Yeah, I love you, you idiot.
God help me, but I do.
I love you so much that it hurts. I love you so much that it's the only thing left. I love you so much that it's killing me.
It hurts so much and I, I know you think that I'm afraid to love, breaking up with every guy I had ever been with before it gets serious. But you're wrong, I'm not afraid of love Parth. No, not really. I just never loved any of them.
Because it's you, it's always been you.
I don't even know how to love someone else. I've only ever loved you, Parth. Just you, and I've loved you for a long, long time.
If you ever found out, you would make your surprised face, with your eyes wide and your mouth open and you would gape at me in shock. I would wait, probably not talking and it would be a while before you would ask me two questions.
Why didn't you tell me Mish?
How long?
I have an answer to the first one. Well, more like a question, but yeah, same thing. It's because what difference would it make? I could tell you that I love you and the only thing that would change is the distance between us. You would go so far away from me, and the space between us will be filled with awkward silences, my constant yearning and your guilty conscience.
Why would I put either of us through that? What would be the point? Nothing really.
I like how we are Parth. I get to see you everyday, talk to you, make you laugh and.. that's enough. That's all I need.
Now, the answer to the second question, about how long I've loved you.
Well.. it's a bit more complicated. Because how would I answer that? It seems like a pointless question. The answer doesn't really matter.
I could say forever, always, my whole life, but that doesn't feel like enough.
I know I've loved you my whole life. I know that. But the thing is, it feels a lot longer.
My life is so short, but I have loved you so long. Way longer than I'd been alive.
I know it's not logical, but I think I've loved you even before. Before I was born, before you were born. Before life, before time, before everything. I know it makes no sense, but that's how I feel. I feel as if it everything else had came later, and my love for you was the first thing to exist.
Call me crazy, insane, delusional. I don't care. That's how I feel. That's how long it feels I've loved you.
That's why the question is a pointless one. Because I don't think the exact answer exists. How can I answer that when I feel like I've loved you longer than time could explain. I've tried again and again to answer it to myself, and this is the closest I have ever come up to an answer.
Infinity to infinity.
Before everything, and after everything.
Because I've always loved you. Always. It was always there. There was no time and place where it started and there will be no time and place where it will end.
My love is infinity.
It always has been. It always will be.
Can you imagine, that love? Can you?
Don't worry though, Parth, don't make that scared face where you bite the insides of your cheeks. Don't run for the hills yet.
I'm not actually going to tell you all this. And you certainly don't have to love me back. There is no need.
I love you enough for the both of us. I love you so much that you never even need to know it. I love you so much that nothing else is needed. I don't want anything from you, I promise. I love you with all my heart and soul and that's all I need.
I was never even jealous, you see.
Of Geet, of Megha, of the girls who chose over me time and time again.
How could I? They loved you and if there's one thing in the world that I understand best, it's loving you. You deserve all the love in the world. My love, Geet's love, Megha's love. I can't imagine that a person can ever get to know you without falling in love with you. You are so easy to love sweetheart, if only you knew, alas if only you knew. I have long given up trying to love anyone else. It's useless. You are my compass star, my true north. I will always, always swing back to you.
You are everything, Parth.
And I know where I stand. I know that loving someone and having it work out are not mutually inclusive. I learned that a long time ago. I know you know it too. I mean, Geet was the love of your life and you don't get to be with her. So, how can I ever complain that I don't get to be with you? At least you're in my sight, I can see you and talk to you and take care of you. That's enough, I'm happy with that. I'm so sorry that you can't do that with Geet. I really am Parth, trust me.
Sometimes I wonder if I would trade places with her if I could. I mean it's an obvious choice right, no-one would miss me like Geet, I'm just weird, scary, emotionless Michelle. Maybe, no-one would even notice I'm gone. No-one needs me like they need Geet. I should do it with my eyes closed. It would make everyone, you, so happy.
But.. I.. I won't Parth, I can't.
If I could trade my life for hers, I wouldn't, I'm sorry. Because that would mean giving you up, and even though we're nothing but friends, even though I've pined and longed for you all these years and even though you love only her and would never ever see me that way, I won't do it. I won't give you up Parth. I won't. I can't. I'm sorry.
I know that makes me a terrible person, I know she deserves to be next to you, not me, but I can't do it. I won't do it Parth. I'm a horrible person, I know you would only be happy with her, but I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't. I'm really selfish.
I've been thinking a lot about things like this, things do with our pasts these days. Things I would change or at least would have done different. You know I would never wish that you had never met Geet. I won't, I know how much she meant, still means to you. But if I could erase one thing, it would be how broken you were after she was gone. You didn't see yourself Parth and I hope you would never comprehend how bad it truly was. We were all scared to death, all of us, I cried myself to sleep every night, worrying if I'll get to see you the next day. It was bad. It was so, so bad.
There is one memory though, one that I go back to, again and again.
It was a few months after Geet was gone. I came to see you and you were lying in the couch, staring at nothing. You hadn't smiled in months, and I just.. I just couldn't take it anymore. I took my bicycle and rode it for an hour all the way beside Juhu beach in the hot, blinding sun, to Ramnath's samosa's. I remembered how much we adored the samosas there. I bought four samosas and rode back for another hour in the same heat back to your house.
I was panting, my whole body was flushed and I was sweating buckets, I looked and felt terrible. But then, when I gave you the samosas and you, you looked at me for a second, and then.. you smiled.
I saw you smile for the first time in months and.. all I wanted to do at that moment was to just freeze time. I wished the world ended then and the last thing I would ever see is the way you were smiling at me. You hadn't smiled like that in months, and I did that. I made you smile. That moment, I wanted to buy you all the samosas in the world, I wanted to learn cooking to make them for you, I wanted to open a samosa shop for you. Anything. Anything, to keep you smiling at me like that.
It's my favourite memory, even now, even after all these years.
Sometimes, when everything gets tough, when my mother doesn't answer my calls and my father posts Instagram photos of his new family with a cheesy caption, when I feel that I'm all alone and that no-one would miss me if I die and my hands itch for a blade, some pills, I think of that one day, that one moment. I think of that one moment and suddenly, I have the will to live again. I think to myself, you made Parth smile for the first time in months, what else do you need really? That is my cherished secret, something that no-one can ever take from me, my eternal reason to breathe to see the next day. I made you smile, even when you didn't want to. What else do I need to live, really? And I decide that it's a good life.
I'm not sorry for any of it. Not even a little bit. I'm especially not sorry for loving you when I knew that you wouldn't love me back. You never looked at me, the way you looked at Geet, not even the imitation of it in the way you looked at Megha. I'm okay with that too.
I'm just.. I'm good Parth, I'm okay. I know that I would never tell you all this. In real life, I'm lying to you. I mean, I've been lying to you our whole lives. I'm still going to keep doing it, and I'm not sorry for it.
Because I'm a coward, I'm selfish, I'm an imposter. You had known me your whole life but I've been pretending to be someone I'm not, all this time. But it's my only way to love you, and I'm not gonna stop myself. I want to love you. I need to love you.
Loving you is my absolution. Loving you makes me want to live. I'm not sorry for that. Nope. The only thing I can offer is that I don't want anything back. I know you love me, not the way I love you, but I would still take it. I can live with it. You don't have to love me the way I do.
But fuck, I want it. I want it so bad.
If you ever did, I would never let you go. I know it's not fair to you, you deserve someone who's a lot less damaged, someone who is as pure as you.
But I swear, if you ever did love me back, I would hold on forever. I would never let you go. Because I'm not like you, I'm selfish and I want you all to myself, all of you, forever.
That's why you should run Parth. I'm not good for you. I want you so much, so much that it scares me. That's why I will never tell you how I feel. Mostly because you would never love me back, but also because my love scares even me and I would never, ever want to hurt you.
I just have to hold it in and keep moving forwards. Just accept the fact that this would always be my life..
Because there is no getting over you Parth. Not really, only picking up the pieces and moving forward. I'm gonna live out the rest of my days as your friend. It's a privilege, an honor to be your friend and I will tell you at least that much. That much, you have the right to know.
The thing is, I don't think I want to actually live Parth, not really. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to do anything stupid. Just that, I have no family, no home. I'm all alone. No-one's lives would actually change if I'm gone. Sometimes, I get too tired to live.
But, I still do. I live for you, I breathe for you. You and only you. Because I already got what I needed to live. I made you smile when you didn't want to live. The memory of that keeps me going, it makes me want to live.
It's a good life Parth and I'm grateful.
I studied in one of the best schools in India, then at one of the best colleges in India and then at one of the best colleges in the whole world. I now work at one of the best companies in the world. I have my own apartment, my own car and more money than I had ever dreamed of making.
But I didn't really wish for any of this. I'm grateful, but I could have lived without all this just the same. I didn't want any of this. I only ever wanted you. I would have been just as happy, happier, if we had gone to a cheap college and then opened a samosa shop instead. Anything would be enough, really, as long as it's with you. Ironic really, that I got everything except you and I would still give it all away if I could have you.
I look at you and I see the future. You're gonna do great things, Parth. One day, everyone is going to see what I always have. One day, the whole world would know your name. You're that good, you're that smart. You were always destined for bigger things.
And when you inevitably get there, they would learn your story. About you and Geet. The world thrives on tragedy and loss, and they're going to eat this up. You will be Romeo and Juliet, Jack and Rose, Heer and Ranjha. She's gonna be named the greatest love of your life, she should be. And I'm aware that I won't even make it to the footnotes. There's no place for me beside you.
But who cares about that.
I saw you first.
I knew you first.
I loved you first.
The rest is just noise.