Little Pink Plus Sign

Life isn't always fair

I remember a story that Lissa's mother had told us. We were only seven years old, and after begging Rhea to tell us a bedtime story, she'd conceded.

"Once upon a time," she began, "there lived a beautiful young maiden in a faraway land."

Though the story began as so many of the others, it quickly turned into something much different. After losing her father, the poor young maiden had to live with her horrid stepmother and equally terrible stepsisters. She was forced to do all of the chores in the house while the others had their fun.

Halfway through the story, Rhea caught a glimpse of my frown. "What' wrong, dear?"

"It just doesn't seem fair..." I explained.

Clasping her hands together, she looked at me with such tenderness and compassion. "Oh darling, life isn't always fair. It won't always treat you kindly, my dear Rosemarie, but you only lose when you let it kill the love in your heart."

Laying in the hospital bed now, I recalled those words. My face was wet and my stomach and heart ached. Pain coursed through my body and I searched for an explanation, some terrible thing I'd done to deserve this.

Life isn't always fair.

I glanced at Dimitri. He was in the hallway talking in hushed tones with the doctor, though I wasn't sure why they were whispering. I could figure this one out on my own. I'd seen the blood. I'd felt the pain. I knew.

It won't always treat you kindly.

Hanging his head, Dimitri approached my bedside, but I refused to look at him. Somehow it was all worse now that I'd lost not one, but two of our children, two that we would never have the chance to have again. I had failed. I didn't deserve him.

"The doctor said that –"

"I know," I said, cutting him off. I was surprised by the apathy in my voice.

"Rose, you–"

"Just go away." I wanted to be alone, to pity myself and wallow in the sadness the consumed me. The last thing I wanted was for Dimitri to be here, forgiving me. "Please."

"You can't just shut me out, Rose. I'm here," he said desperately.

"Well you shouldn't be. I don't know why you would still want to be with me. I did this Dimitri. We'll never have children because of me."

"Rose, you're being completely irrational. Please just–"

"NO!" I practically screamed. I couldn't look at him right now. I couldn't see the tears in his eyes and know that I had put them there.

"Rose! Listen to me!" his voice filled with despair.

"GO AWAY!"

He took my shoulders and began shaking me. "Rose!"

I woke up in a cold sweat, my entire body shaking violently. Dimitri was still holding onto my shoulders. Quickly pushing him away, I threw the blankets off of myself to check for blood, but there was none to be found. Then I lost myself in the tears.

Dimitri held me tight whispering over and over again, "It was just a nightmare, Roza."

It may have been "just a nightmare," but it was too real, too...possible. All this time I'd been fooling myself, celebrating this pregnancy rather than worrying about it. Honestly, I'd never felt so helpless. I had very little power to protect these babies, and after so many years of having it drilled into my head that I had to do everything possible to defend those around me, this killed me.

I leaned into Dimitri's chest and tried to calm myself back down. Getting this upset couldn't possibly help anything.

"Shhh, it's okay. I'm here," Dimitri whispered, stroking my hair. "I love you. I'm here."

Still shaking, I wiped the tears from my eyes and took Dimitri's hand in mine. He leaned back, allowing me to rest on his shoulder. Rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb, Dimitri began singing an old Russian lullaby. Though I had no clue what the words meant, I found great peace in it and allowed myself to imagine him singing it over a crib. The thought made me smile.

Once the song was over, he shifted to get a glimpse of my face. "Roza, are you alright?"

That was a good question. "I...think so..."

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked playing with a strand of my hair.

Scoffing, I answered, "No."

"Okay," he said simply. Kissing the top of my head, he settled in and wrapped his arm around me.

After several minutes of silence, I whispered, "It's not fair."

"Hmm?"

"It's not fair," I said a bit stronger. "People get pregnant all the time and don't have to worry about miscarrying. I bet they don't wake up from terrible nightmares and live in fear."

"Oh, Roza...who said life is fair? Look at all we've been through. None of it was fair, and yet here we are. I love you and I love our two little babies, and that will never change." He paused for a second before saying, simply, "That's enough for me."

"What did I do to deserve you?" I said a bit sleepily.

He laughed soft and deep. "You have no idea how amazing you are. You're so strong and so full of love. It's incredible. I always wonder what I did to deserve you."

Suddenly, I remembered Rhea's words.

Oh darling, life isn't always fair. It won't always treat you kindly, my dear Rosemarie, but you only lose when you let it kill the love in your heart.

Sitting up, I kissed him lightly. "I love you, Dimka."

He cradled my face in his hands and said, "Я тоже люблю тебя, Роза. Навсегда и день."