Prom Queen ⚢ [EDITING]

↻ ◁ nine ▷ ↺

"you want to be her"

I'd successfully ignored Graham for the majority of the weekend, not bothering to answer his calls or texts when he would ask me what was wrong. How could he even ask that? He was wrong. Him and his curious lips and his completely absurd view of me kissing Ivy Mora—which I still couldn't believe even happened in the first place—it was all wrong.

How could it possibly have been okay to him? I was devastated about all of it, desperately trying to find acceptance for myself and the betrayal of his trust I'd so hungrily committed while trying to figure out what I was supposed to do about our relationship after we'd both been disloyal. I was wallowing in self-pity and sobbing about how I'd made a horrible mistake, and he was completely fine with it; he wanted to act like nothing had happened.

But it wasn't nothing—it wasn't even on the same playing field as nothing. It was my awakening, my epiphany. The moment I realized the world had so much more to offer than the pathetic attempt at kissing that Graham had always given me. I was allowed to have passion, to have fire. I was allowed to feel free and alive and human and everything that made me feel on top of the world—I was allowed to feel it all at once.

But it wasn't with him. And I wanted it to be with him; I wanted it to be with the man I had loved, the man I'd been dreaming of marrying one day. But it wasn't, and there was no way I could change that. There was no way I could go back and change the way I viewed Graham and the way I viewed Ivy when it came to how I wanted each of them because I had wanted Graham more than anything before that night. I wanted to love him; I wanted to hug him; I wanted to breathe every inch of my beating heart into his skin and watch as his soul brought me to life. I wanted to be with Graham.

But I needed Ivy. I needed to feel her touch against my arm; her burning, soft fingers ignited against the cold skin of my waist. I wanted her hair to fall down my shoulder as she planted more kisses down my neck. I yearned for the desire I felt when she kissed me in the closet, and I never thought it was even possible for me to feel that way.

I wanted Ivy's kisses in places I'd never dreamed of being kissed before. I wanted her tongue on my chest, her lips against my ear as she whispered sensually into me like a siren heartlessly luring in her poor victims. I was under Ivy's spell, just like every other goddamn person at Riverview, and it was nothing but soulless, agonizing torture.

Why didn't I want Graham like that? And why did I have to discover this kind of thing about myself under such unfortunate circumstances?

"Camryn!" I'd heard Dad's voice call out from the other side of my bedroom door. "Come out, honey, you're gonna miss the bus!"

Shit. How long was I stuck in this daze?