Caroline || A Portwell POV

Caroline

EJ's POV:

"Caroline had thick brown curls that were frizzy and knotted. I remember that was the first thing I noticed about her. That hair had a personality of it's own. I asked if I could touch it one time because my 9 year old brain had never seen anything like it before. 

She was taller than me at the time believe it or not. We became friends after her stepmother moved their family out to Salt Lake. I remember wanting to talk to her about anything and everything. She just seemed so interesting compared to the nothingness that Utah is. I think you two would've liked each other. Probably would've ganged up on me too. She had that same fiery competitive spirit. 

We would make plans to play basketball in the street every Sunday after church and I could never get the ball from under her. Like I said, at that time I was praying for a growth spurt. We we pretty much did everything together every summer since. 

We were really really close even though we went to different schools, but she got Leukemia three years later and I watched it destroy her. Carolina was always too tired to play basketball with me because Sundays were when she'd have her chemo. I remember being so angry at her. 

I was 13, and I was selfish, and looking back now I know I was only a kid, but I can't imagine how I could've been so blind to everything. I stoped wanting to care about what SHE was going through because it made me feel so awful. 

I didn't want to feel that way again so I didn't keep much touch with her. Sure I'd see her take a walk every now and then with her dad, but I never did anything more than wave. 

Slowly as the months went by, she lost all of her big curly hair. It was hard to recognize her. I'd try not to stare when she was out in the yard but it was impossible. She was so different from years before. I was different too. 

I finally grew a little bit more and started playing on a tee-ball team. I really missed having her as my friend but I didn't know how to approach her without her thinking I was taking insincere pity on her. 

She died August of that year. I cried so much. A part of that was because I felt I didn't have a right to mourn her death. I felt so guilty. A month after her funeral Carolina's dad moved to an apartment in the part of town of Chigaco they were originally from. Seeing the house slowing becoming less and less associated with Carolina was ghost like. New families have since moved in but I'll never be able to look at that house without thinking of her.

I guess you could say she was my first love, and not like middle school crush kind of stuff. Like real love. I'm not sure if it was romantic, maybe it could've turned into something like that if she made it through, but I loved her so much that seeing how much pain she was in made it unbearable to be around her. 

It might not make much sense but I think that's why I have trouble communicating sometimes. I love you so much that I don't want history repeating itself. Not that you'll get cancer and die obviously, but that I'll pull away because I'm scared to feel so much again."